Apocalypse-expecting cultists come out from cave
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, August 29, 2015, 03:50:UTC)(
5 April 2008
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A cult that has been waiting for an end to civilisation as we know it has finally left the cave they had barricaded themselves into. For almost five months a group of 28 cult members had attempted to seal themselves off from the world by going to live in a cave and blocking the cave entrance with debris and human excrement. The cult came from somewhere in Russia that no-one really cares about and managed to find a cave that was conveniently no more that ten minutes driving from the all of the cult members' houses. The cult leader, Pyotr Kuznetsov, despite the nearing apocalypse, found many opportunities to talk to the press and averaged about 3 interviews a day (in between visits to psychiatric hospitals after an order from the local court).
Said Pyotr Kuznetsov:
| Originally God led us into the cave to await his merciful, gentle destruction of our entire world, including every single living organism. He said that in five months he would give us a sign, so naturally we did his bidding and packed our Nike trainers, because you've got to Just Do It®, thanks, nice doing business with you, and headed to the nearest cave. I set our finest minds on sealing up the entrance. The rocks and general debris were easy to fit into place, but the cement that we used took a lot of sweat, pride, passion and effort to create. I can happily say that I produced 4.8kg of that natural cement!
So we just waited for a couple of months. It was pretty easy going, God said he would provide food and he did: through the nice Russian police and their negotiators, who were also acting as the Devil, trying to bring us out of the cave and into damnation. We lived a peaceful life there, we didn't damage anything, we lived and let live. The very few modern things we had inside that cave were gas canisters (for detonation if the authorities tried to get in), a few computers, maybe a couple of TVs as well, oh and I think my wife brought a digital radio, but otherwise we lived a completely innocent, technology-free life.
The cult is believed now to be preparing their lawyers for the four civil court cases that stacked up in their five months buried in a cave. It is widely expected that they will be defending their right to almost one ton of emergency supply food granted to them by the authorities. The Russian government claims they were told there were 100 cult members. Nike is also suing the cult for breach of "promotion" contract. Also, a Russian heritage organization announced shortly after the cult members left the cave that they were concerned for several historic sites located within it, including some of the oldest fossils known to mankind (which are often used as evidence in evolution papers).
All 28 cult members were admitted to the hospital (excluding Dora because she got crushed) and were let out within an hour (excluding Dora, of course, because she got crushed). The cult members are now returning to their normal lives, but will be hounded by bored, local Russian journalists for weeks. All the cult members claim that "they were never in it for the attention or the money" but many people remain sceptical about this.