UnNews:Antidepressant study causes depression
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Antidepressant study causes depression
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, June 29, 2017, 16:12:UTC)(
9 July 2007
ATLANTA, Georgia According to a government study, antidepressants have become the most commonly prescribed drugs in the United States, being prescribed more often than drugs to treat high blood pressure, high cholesterol, asthma, headaches, or even impotence. Even more astounding, however, is a more recent study that shows the aforementioned study has actually further entrenched depression in the U.S.
Dr. Ronald Dvorkin, a Long Island anesthesiologist and Senior fellow at Washington's Hudson Institute is incredibly saddened by the news. "Doctors are now medicating our unhappiness," said an energyless Dvorkin. "Too many people take drugs when what they really need to be doing is making changes in their lives. Is this where society as a whole is headed? It's such a horrible thought. I think I'm going to cry. God, I need another drink." Dvorkin then huddled into a ball and began singing in falsetto.
In its study, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention looked at 2.4 billion drugs prescribed in visits to doctors and hospitals in 2005. Of those, 118 million were for antidepressants.
Many psychiatrists see this report as good news -- a sign that Americans at last feel comfortable asking for help with psychiatric problems, although the majority of them remain too melancholic to care.
"The fact that people are getting the treatments they need is encouraging..... I guess," Dr. Kelly Posner said laconically, an assistant professor at Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons in New York City. "When you reflect upon it though, it's actually pretty disheartening. I spend all day talking to these immensely sad people about whatever major hang-up they have, and this is just about the best news I've heard all day. Isn't that pathetic? I mean, it makes you want to cry, you know? Cry, and cry, and cry. Just because I'm a doctor, I have to continually put up with these people complaining to me about their dull and dreary personal lives? Do you think I get satisfaction out of this sort of work?"
She then added half-heartedly that 25 percent of adults will have a major depressive episode sometime in their life, as will 8 percent of adolescents. "Doesn't that make you want to go hang yourself?" Posner said. "God, my husband better fuck me hard when I get home. Not like I'll feel anything." "He's sad too," Posner weeped.
While Posner says genuine depression is driving the prescription numbers, Dr. Robert Goodman, a NYC dentist, whom all that have ever met him agree he has a truly miserable life, says the real force behind skyrocketing antidepressant prescription rates is pharmaceutical marketing to doctors and consumers, coupled with the increase in the bipolar bear population. "The bears really skew the numbers, but if that many of our population are suffering from depression, we might as well give up all hope in life right now." "I mean, get a rope or a gun. Or find a tall building, or maybe some pills." "Don't misunderstand," he continued, "it's not like I sit around all the time and think about the details of doing myself in -- but..." "Does anybody even care?" he inquired quietly.
Added Goodman, "I think these pharmaceutical companies are really starting to get to me. The way they seduce patients into using drugs like that? It really makes a person lose faith in the world. It's overwhelming. And hopeless, really hopeless." "Do you know anyone who would kill me and my wife? For a price, of course." "My wife first, please. I'd like to have some pleasure in life before I go," he added in a brief flicker of hope.