UnNews:Anti-genocide group announces new plan to get American government to intervene in Darfur
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Anti-genocide group announces new plan to get American government to intervene in Darfur
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, March 1, 2017, 17:57:UTC)(
22 September 2007
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DARFUR, Sudan—Political activists working at an aid station in Darfur sponsored by Amnesty International may have finally arrived at a successful strategy for ending the genocide that is unfolding there. For the past several years, Amnesty International has been working to raise awareness in the United States of the ongoing genocide that has been occurring in the region. The organisation scored a major victory last year when, after three straight months of making speeches, they successfully got an American teenager to say "Well, that sucks. So, what's for lunch?"
However, other than that, the aid station has made little progress. "We run on donations, and we've only had two," says Wallace Mutton, the manager of the aid station. "One of them was actually made by me, and the other was meant for the Australian stamp collecting society, and got sent to the wrong address."
"It always seemed to me like the American government wasn't the least bit interested in ending the horrors of this genocide," continues Mutton. "I got the impression that no matter how many depressing five-second commercials we made, nobody cared about the Darfur genocide. I was at a loss for what to do. But then, it hit me! It was genius! Suddenly, I realized EXACTLY how we could get the American government to intervene here."
Mutton plans to team up with Amnesty International and ship several million gallons of oil into the region.
The relocation of massive amounts of oil to Darfur will reportedly begin later this month, with results expected immediately afterwards. "I think American awareness of the human rights crisis unfolding in Darfur will become much more widespread once there's oil there," says Mutton, "and in the quite unlikely event that the oil relocation plan fails, we have a backup plan. The backup plan is to paint all of the black people who live in this country so they look like white people instead. Between the oil and the fact that the people being killed will be white instead of black, we can be certain that we will see immediate efforts by the U.S. to end this genocide once and for all."
When told about this upcoming move, President Bush reportedly said, "Where the hell is Darfur?"
- Penultimate Spinwagen "UnNews unimpressed by humanitarian efforts, suggests inhumanitarian efforts as alternative tactic in Darfur". New York Times, September 21, 2007