UnNews:Annual Report into Xmas Sickies Released - Yes, They Still Cost Business Money
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Annual Report into Xmas Sickies Released - Yes, They Still Cost Business Money
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, December 5, 2016, 00:41:UTC)(
5 December 2007
Wales, Cardiff: Today saw the yearly publication into the cost of the Xmas party hangover. The predictions of loss to Big Business are 10% grimmer than last year. Big Business states that should this upward trend continue, by 2014 the "X-mas party hangover" will negate all profits earned through the rest of the year.
A survey of 4,500 workers found that the two thirds of employees spent no time whatsoever skiving off of work after the X-mas party, as most of them are held on Friday or Saturday. The remainder ticked the box "Of course I pulled a sicky; do you really think that I could face the entire office the morning after downing 8 pints and 3 shots, playing tonsil tennis with "Big Bertha" from accounts and puking into my line managers lap?"
Sir Alan Sugar of Big Business Inc was quick to pass judgement. "Lazy workers taking days off at my expense? Not on my watch! I'm all for Worker Satisfaction but now they're just taking the piss out of me. They go out, they have a good time and then they cost Big Business MONEY! I might as well just let them reach into my pocket and snatch my wallet. And If they did that, they'd be FIRED!" At this point, Sir Alans sick face had contorted almost beyond recognition (in the stylee of top horror show spesh FX, a la "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"), revealing his barely suppressed rage and hatred for anything which financially impacted upon his life.
A Mr S T Nicholas, an individual who is often said to embody the very spirit of Xmas, was quoted as saying "Clearly this is a time for giving and sharing. Perhaps, just for five minutes, we could forget the endless pursuit of profit and allow our workers one night of overindulgence, binge drinking and frivolous photocopying of one-anothers bits?" Big Business was quick to issue a response in a two word press release of "Fuck off!!!!!"
Meanwhile, a survey of 3,500 British companies revealed that 80% of them refuse to organise an Xmas party for their staff, for fear of litigation. Past experiences of office punch-ups and lewd sexual conduct have resulted in 89% of them receiving harassment complaints.
Donald Trump of Bigger Businesses plc commented thus "Do I look like some sort of twat to you? Risk the remote possibility of a day in court, just so that I can reward my workers? Fuck that! Why don't I just market baby food laced with cyanide? And any suggestion that this is just an excuse to not pay out to give workers any sort of reward for a years efforts, or an effort to avoid the aforementioned "xmas party sicky" is purely libellous. You're fired, asshole!!" Again, the vitriol on the face of this "giant of commerce" was something that would give Freddy Kruger nightmares.
So is this the end of the Xmas party? Or the Xmas sicky? Remember, Big Business needs you, and you need it. So pull your socks up, take a Neurofen and GET BACK TO WORK. Lazy proleteriat commie scumbags....