UnNews:Anna Nicole Smith "still dead", authorities say
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Anna Nicole Smith "still dead", authorities say
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, September 1, 2015, 01:52:UTC)(
13 March 2007
MOCKERY BAY, Bermuda -- After much deliberation and debate, it has been concluded that Anna Nicole Smith is, in fact, still dead. Many were shocked and saddened at this painful revelation after another autopsy was performed on Tuesday. "We are shocked and saddened by this painful revelation," said Some Guy. "We were hoping for, you know, like for her to do a Jesus or something."
Protestors camped out in front of the morgue. An excerpt from an exclusive UnNews interview with one:
UnNews Correspondent: Well, it seems that Anna Nicole isn't coming back after all. What are your opinions on this?
Deranged Smith fan: Listen, buddy! I'll be honest with you when I tell you that SHE'S NOT DEAD! To say so would be a blatant lie!! I -
UnNews: But, sir, you must look logically at the evidence before -
Fan: She will be back! I know it! Just like Saddam! Don't tell me I'm wrong!!
Others had more peaceful ways of expressing their mournfulness, such as séances and candlelight vigils. "It's hard to believe that after a month, she's still gone," moaned a sobbing Paris Hilton. "I just can't understand it. Like, that's so not hot."
In an effort to boost morale, there will be the first annual Anna Nicole Smith Day tomorrow, which will be a national holiday. "Basically," President Bush was quoted, "it's just another dirty excuse for me to get down to Crawford." The holiday will work like this: Every March 14, Anna Nicole's corpse will be dug up. If it can see her shadow, then her rebirth might be just around the corner. But, if not, then America will have to wait another year.
Please stay tuned with UnNews' live correspondent, who will be standing by 24/7 at her grave, waiting for important updates. (The boss doesn't like the poor bastard. It's tough being a reporter.)