|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
17 January 2010
NEW CANAAN, Connecticut -- Sultry, conservative author and pundit Ann Coulter accidentally revealed herself to be a demon from the bowels of Hell, while toasting Martha Stewart at a dinner in her honor. Witnesses were horrified and fled on a panic from the banquet hall of the Ivy Crust Society's lavish "club house", as Coulter went about in a blind fury, disemboweling men, women and children all. Onlookers were shocked as the pundit rent living flesh from her victims and gobbled it down like a hyena blazing.
Ms. Stewart was being honored as a success story of the Society's Pillar Parolees program, first begun by Martha as a facade for her small animal torturing business. Ms. Coulter joined a roster of distinguished persons including Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld, in making elaborate and flattering toasts to Marthas health, wealth, and happiness.
"Everything was going smoothly," says event coordinator Emcee Guanaco Heifer, "until it was Ann's turn to speak. She stepped up to the podium, seemed to steady herself for a few seconds, and then boom! , she morphs into this horrible demon or something, and began shouting stuff in some language I've never heard... it was quite a fright, let me tell you."