UnNews:Animals become sentient, smarter than humans

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{{news|31 October 2006}} {{date|31 OCTOBER 2006}} '''SCIENCETOWN, JAKARTA-''' [[Image:Twiggy2.jpg|thumb|An example of an animal who has become more advanced than we could ever hope to be.]] Biologists have made groundbreaking discoveries in understanding the cognitive development of [[animals]] when their lab rats were seen playing [[Myst]] on a tiny [[PC]]. ''"They got further in the [[game]] than I ever could"'', remarked one scientist who sat alone at lunch because all the others sat at the "cool scientists" table. ''"They got past the observatory without a hitch."'' This and other discoveries has led the scientific community to believe that several [[species]] of animals have become fully sentient, and retain the potential to dethrone [[man]] as overlords of [[Earth]]. Scientists all over the world have reported a startling increase in the [[intelligence]] of animals of all types. [[Birds]] are now frequently seen wearing flying goggles, pigs have been spotted using silverware, and there have been reports of cattle using cattle prods on their former masters, even without the help of opposable thumbs, the lone evolutionary trait that most scientists agree separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. What has caused the sudden increase in animalistic intelligence? Scientists aren't certain. Bruce Wilcox, a Yale science professor, was quoted saying, ''"Goddammit, those pigeons are smart. Maybe they got into some Red Bull or something."'' Some scientists, however, don't think that animals are necessarily becoming smarter, but that humans are becoming comparably stupider, to the point where syndicated journalists think that "stupider" is an actual [[word]]. ''"We're just becoming less intelligent"'', remarked one scientist who requested to remain nameless for fear of offending his larger, more attractive colleagues. ''"I mean, we were able to go from [[cars]] to spaceshuttles in the 50's, but now we've gone from [[Queen]] to My Chemical Romance. MCR sucks hard. It's like our brains are being atrophied."'' While [[Hilary Duff]] explodes onto the teen scene, many worry that this behavior is exactly what is making the animals catch up to us. The recent [[Stingray]] Rebellions in [[Oceania]] hint that mankind is bound to be overtaken by other species who continue to evolve while humanity buys expensive Ugg boots and spends $2.50 on bottled [[water]] when the faucet in the kitchen is virtually free of cost, and few have come up with the seemingly obvious scheme of buying a cheap tap filter and selling water at a 2500% profit. Economic impact has also been evident, as stock in the Hedgehog-run "Pricklymobile Auto Company" has bought out [[Ford]], GM, and half of [[South America]]. [[Bill Gates]] committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor-sharp motherboard when it was an[[no]]unced that wise [[Owl]] hackers had successfully created an OS that made Vista look like it was [[Windows 95]]. == Sources == *{{source|url=http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/national/290529_elephant31.html |title=Animals take over England |author= |pub=Seattle Pi |date=October 31, 2006}} <!-- Hint: If you like you can make up crap or find a suitable article in the uncyclopedia --> *{{source|url=http://www.leekspin.com |title=Squirrel who knows how to waterski |author= |pub=National Geographic KIDS |date=October 24, 2006}} <!-- Template for linky from other article in uncyclopedia {{Old news|insert your news article wiki link}} -->

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