|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
31 OCTOBER 2006
Biologists have made groundbreaking discoveries in understanding the cognitive development of animals when their lab rats were seen playing Myst on a tiny PC. "They got further in the game than I ever could", remarked one scientist who sat alone at lunch because all the others sat at the "cool scientists" table. "They got past the observatory without a hitch." This and other discoveries has led the scientific community to believe that several species of animals have become fully sentient, and retain the potential to dethrone man as overlords of Earth.
Scientists all over the world have reported a startling increase in the intelligence of animals of all types. Birds are now frequently seen wearing flying goggles, pigs have been spotted using silverware, and there have been reports of cattle using cattle prods on their former masters, even without the help of opposable thumbs, the lone evolutionary trait that most scientists agree separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom.
What has caused the sudden increase in animalistic intelligence? Scientists aren't certain. Bruce Wilcox, a Yale science professor, was quoted saying, "Goddammit, those pigeons are smart. Maybe they got into some Red Bull or something."
Some scientists, however, don't think that animals are necessarily becoming smarter, but that humans are becoming comparably stupider, to the point where syndicated journalists think that "stupider" is an actual word. "We're just becoming less intelligent", remarked one scientist who requested to remain nameless for fear of offending his larger, more attractive colleagues. "I mean, we were able to go from cars to spaceshuttles in the 50's, but now we've gone from Queen to My Chemical Romance. MCR sucks hard. It's like our brains are being atrophied."
While Hilary Duff explodes onto the teen scene, many worry that this behavior is exactly what is making the animals catch up to us. The recent Stingray Rebellions in Oceania hint that mankind is bound to be overtaken by other species who continue to evolve while humanity buys expensive Ugg boots and spends $2.50 on bottled water when the faucet in the kitchen is virtually free of cost, and few have come up with the seemingly obvious scheme of buying a cheap tap filter and selling water at a 2500% profit.
Economic impact has also been evident, as stock in the Hedgehog-run "Pricklymobile Auto Company" has bought out Ford, GM, and half of South America. Bill Gates committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor-sharp motherboard when it was announced that wise Owl hackers had successfully created an OS that made Vista look like it was Windows 95.