UnNews:Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy to meet again in a cage fight
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Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy to meet again in a cage fight
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 22, 2015, 18:04 (UTC)
18 May 2010
STRASBOURG, France -- It's the great stand-up fight Europe has been waiting for since 1945: French President Nicolas Sarkozy and German Chancellor Angela Merkel are to settle their differences in a cage fight on the banks of the River Rhine to determine the fate of the Euro.
Fight promoter, Greek Prime Minister George "Gorgeous Gorgon" Papandreou says the battle between the French and German leaders will be guarantee a huge audience on the Cage Fight Box Office Channel. Other world leaders are also expected to
gloat watch, alongside off-shore tax haven advisers who want to see the Euro crash and burn.
In the red/white/blue corner will be 'Le Mini Sex Machine' Nicolas Sarkozy, a proven bare-knuckle bruiser who has overcome everyone to become France's top cage fighter. This boy scout sized statesman takes no prisoners and is also known to knock out his support staff if they don't cheer him loud enough. By his side to dab on the make up and face powder will be his wife Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, who is guaranteed to get at least the Italians in the crowd on side of the French. Her ex-lovers will also be there in two rows in the front, including Mick Jagger, Eric Clapton and the poet Uncle Tom Cobley. Sarkozy will be covered in grease (and sleaze) to increase his mobility in the cage.
Facing up to Sarkozy is the pudding basin hair styled Angela 'Der Mangler' Merkel. A former East German hausfrau, Merkel kick boxed her way to power when Germany was reunited. Despite her modest manner, Der Mangler has got the better of heavy weight German opponents like Helmut "Der Grossmann" Kohl and Gerhard "Hair Dye" Schroeder . Merkel's trainers say she will adopt an updated version of the 1914 Schleiffen Plan to take on the slippery Sarkozy.
This isn't the first time the two have faced each other. However the last occasion was at a private function in Brussels, where Sarkozy showed he was a tough guy by beating up a table. However, fight and financial experts say Merkel packs the bigger punch and will win the bout. This will be a victory for Germany but the end of Sarkozy and the Euro.
- Fiona Hedge-Fund "Europe looks forward to the Franco-German cage fight.". Financial Times, May 18, 2010