UnNews:Analysts predicting a very close race between ketchup and shampoo
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Analysts predicting a very close race between ketchup and shampoo
Straight talk, from straight faces
Thursday, October 20, 2016, 21:39:UTC)(
17 October 2008
On paper, ketchup seems to have the advantage.
"Ketchup is definitely the front-runner and the favorite," said liberal blogger Molly Puffhouser. "Newberry hasn't eaten shampoo since 1984, when he was six years old. Also, consistently, year after year, New Yorkers turn out at the carts and pick ketchup over shampoo."
However, radio talking head Chet Daniels was quick to point out that shampoo is in no way out of this race.
"Shampoo is the underdog, let's be clear about that," said Daniels. "But Newberry's not a stupid man. As he nears the front of that line, he's going to start to think about ketchup and its shady associations with tomato-picking illegal aliens. He's going to note its uneven consistency and wonder if he can really trust ketchup. He's going to remember that ketchup is extremely poisonous. This is a decision that's going to be made seconds before he bites into that hot dog."
Daniels also points out that condiment polling is notoriously unreliable.
"Sure, when pollsters ask Newberry what condiment he'll be choosing, he says ketchup," explains Daniels. "But he's probably lying. Ketchup is obviously the socially acceptable answer. But when he gets up to the front of that line, he's going to know in his heart what he wants, and he's going to murmur 'shampoo, please' under his breath. Just you wait."
Shampoo's chances in this race are widely considered to have been damaged by the reputation of its predecessor, spermicidal lube.
"No one wanted spermicidal lube on their hot dog," asserts Puffhouser. "Why did they even put it on the condiment rack?"
Daniels, however, is quick to correct Puffhouser's naive thinking.
"Spermicidal lube really wasn't as bad as one might have expected. Besides, Newberry understands that shampoo is not spermicidal lube. You could perhaps use it as lube in a pinch, but it is in no way spermicidal."
In-depth analysis by our analysts shows that Daniels is correct and Puffhouser is a dirty slut. Shampoo really does have a chance to overtake ketchup and become the next condiment of Newberry's hot dog.