UnNews:An American's guide to Jimmy Savile
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An American's guide to Jimmy Savile
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, August 1, 2015, 14:19:UTC)(
2 October 2012
LONDON, England -- Late TV presenter Jimmy Saville is in the British news for having it off with underage girls (allegedly). Here, UnNews presents an easy to use guide for American readers who might want to converse with Limeys about fallen television presenters or pedophiles.
Why is he famous?
- Presented "Top of the Pops" a long running British music show. Have you seen that clip of David Bowie singing Starman with his arm around Mick Ronson during the chorus? That show.
- Had a wispy thatch of white hair made entirely out of cotton wool and little girls' tears (allegedly).
- Had a weird-as-fuck relationship with his mother, whom he called The Duchess, and for whom he built a shrine after her death.
- Presented "Jim'll Fix It" a television show in which he made young children's dreams come true, and groomed potential victims (allegedly).
- Competed slowly in marathons for charity, covered in gold chains and looking like death.
- Was easy to impersonate. Follow these simple steps. 1) Pretend to have a cigar. 2) Approximate a Mancunian accent, imagining an old Liam Gallagher. 3) Say, "Now then, now then" and, in a faltering voice, "The name... of that band was... Sho-waddy-waddy."
What to say
- Employ the above impression, making small variations. "Now then, now then" could be said in an increasingly feverish way to recreate a paedophillic orgasm.
- In Jim'll Fix It, the children all wrote letters, beginning: Dear Jim, please could you fix it for me...". This could be adapted in a number of ways: "Dear Jim, Please could you fix it for me to have my virginity back?" or "Dear Jim, Please could you fix it for me so I don't suffer long-term effects on my sex life?"
- Similarly, say things like "Apparently Jim fixed it for her to become a self-harming manic depressive."
What not to say
- "Goddamn pedophile Limey! You guys are all goddamn faggots! You Brits would be speaking goddamn German if it wasn't for us," etc.