UnNews:Amnesty International claims defeat, disbands
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
23 May 2007
NEW YORK, New York, USA - In an official statement Tuesday, the human rights advocacy group Amnesty International has conceded defeat, and has subsequently announced their disbandment.
"As much as we have tried to prevent genocide and mass murder, torture, and the like," says chairwoman Linda Reyes, "these practises still continue. Obviously, we have failed. The only option is to disband, with our tails between our legs."
"This is definitely not a proud moment for Amnesty International, but it had to happen sooner or later." says British liaison officer Michael Brendstrom. "It's sad that we still have genocide and torture in this day and age, but I've got to hand it to all those ruthless dictators out there. They sure gave us a run for our money, and, in the end, I guess they just wanted it more."
Ms. Reyes responded to criticism that the organisation was giving up too quickly by giving a short laugh. "We've been at this for forty-five years, and yet there's still horrific genocide committed every day! Just look at Darfur! I'm honestly surprised we didn't just quit sooner than this."
"Ever since the organization was founded, it has been our goal to prevent human rights' abuses worldwide." says Brendstrom. "Unfortunately, this has been harder than we imagined. Most dictators don't automatically release prisoners just because you send them a picture of one of their many atrocities. That made it a lot harder for us. Some of them, like Idi Amin, would even take those photos and hang them on their wall like some sort of trophy. It was sickening. I guess no one really took us seriously, so what choice did we have besides to give up?" Brendstrom then stopped and continued to stare at the floor dejectedly, looking up only to comment, "Well, we had a good run."
Starting next Monday, all Amnesty International personnel are asked to have cleared out their desk and vacated the building. "I certainly didn't see this coming." says Reyes. "But hey, I guess the world just doesn't want to get rid of torture quite yet. Chalk one up to the barbaric military leaders and such out there. They really had us beat."
Brendstrom and Reyes are now searching for other work. Brendstrom, as the former liaison of the organization, has a special advantage in having made connections with brutal and repressive dictators the world over. "You would be surprised at how little talent there is on the staffs of these guys." "The leadership and the mid-level guys, as well as the grunts that do the dirty work have little to no formal education, so the opportunities abound." I mean all you have to do is put your conscience on 'hold' so that you can make a living." "After all" he said "you gotta put bread on the table."
Reyes may have even more opportunities, since she has high level management skills and did fund raising, which gave her access to many influential supporters of the organization. "But I might not go that way." She continued, "working for a so-called 'repressive regime' is not as big a change as you might surmise. Amnesty Internation often white-washed many left-wing murder machines, and just as frequently attacked the USA." "Let's face it," she said "the big bucks are on the side of the dictators - whether left or right."
Lower level employees were reportedly searching for jobs as jailers/torturers in various prisons throughout the world, with particular emphasis on the Middle East. "You go where the work is," said job searcher George Clooney, who has extensively studied the use of electrical equiptment for genital-torture. "These guys are really back in the dark ages with all the head chopping," said Clooney excitedly as he considered various offers. "It's not just money," Clooney continued "the beneffits package is important too."
About the various opportunities for employment Reyes remarked, "we might as well use our expertise for the winning teams" she said. "I guess it's a blessing in disguise. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." She concluded, "It's time to see how the other half lives," she said while pulling the wings off a butterfly.
- Amnesty International "Amnesty International Webpage (on sale at Domains.com!)". Amnesty International, May 20, 1961