|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
21 April 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
BAGHDAD, Iraq -- American troops in Baghdad are rapidly constructing a 3 mile long wall to encircle a Sunni enclave in the city. Officials hope this new tactic will stem the rising tide of violence in the captial "just like the Jewish Ghetto pacified Warsaw during World War II," comments Field Marshall Romell. The wall is being built without the Azamiyah neighborhood council's approval, but American generals insist it's "for their own good."
Escalating Sunni-Shiite violence has greatly tested the patience of the occupying American forces. Shiites occupy the majority of Iraq's parliamentary seats and effectively control the government, while the minority Sunnis struggle to gain at least some leverage. "The greedy Sunnis want all the power," explains a senior US Gestapo official wishing to maintain anonymity, adding, "and we'll let them control this one area, but we'll surround it with a wall for their own safety." He also noted that Sunnis scattered throughout other neighborhoods of Baghdad will be "encouraged" to move into the new enclave so that they can live in peace with their own people.
President George Bush personally designed the plan, which follows his "blitzkrieg surge" into Baghdad earlier this year. Despite setbacks in the Iraq war, the President promises that the wall to create the Sunni Ghetto will surely succeed and will thus be "the final solution." Critics warn that the Sunnis might not be too happy about being forced into the ghetto, but White House aides assured everyone that the plan was "flexible" and offered individual citizens a choice. Spokesperson Dana Perino (substituting for ill press secretary Joseph Goebbels) explained, "If they choose not to live in the enclave, we have chartered special trains for them to take them out of the city and 'into a better place." It was unclear from the press conference where that place was.
Construction of the ghetto wall itself was proceeding at a brisk pace. Wermacht chief Robert Gates confirmed that many Iraqi workers are being used for the project, and that the Americans were there "only in a supervisory role." The use of local laborers is likely to help the struggling Iraqi economy, and the US ambassador to the country asserted that the people "must earn their freedom - as the saying goes, 'work will set you free.'" In fact, the laborers are being paid with "freedom points," which can later be redeemed for votes in the next meaningless parliamentary election.
The ghetto is due to be complete within a month, but that may be delayed if there are new developments on the Eastern front with Iran. But US Vice President Herman Cheney Goring assures his GOP faithful that "everything is under control," adding that he strongly supports John McCain as the next Fuhrer, mainly due to his recent rendition of the rousing chant "Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran."