UnNews:Americans euphoric regarding terrifically low-cost gas
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Americans euphoric regarding terrifically low-cost gas
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, July 2, 2016, 07:44:UTC)(
19 May 2007
On planet America, the price of gasoline is still unbelievably below $20 per gallon. Even though the “Big Oil” companies can’t produce enough of their product to the fuel starved American public, they maintain that they will with all surety keep gas prices below $10 per gallon.
This “Big Oil” executive says, “Americans are fuel hungry freaks, but you know, you can only be greedy to a certain point and money becomes really boring. Shit, we have so much of it we really don’t have to charge at the pump anymore.”
Another “Big Oil” exec agreed, “Yeah, I pretty much agree. You know I am so sick of money. But my accountants tell me, we have to set a price somewhere. Otherwise, Americans could become a problem, if we charged too low or not at all. Because, Christ, we don’t want them trying to give us meth or coke for even trade.”
The reality is Americans hate money more than “Big Oil” dicks. But really, it should be clarified a bit better. Gasoline is more fun than meth or coke, you really can go places and have fun. Not like meth or coke, when you get off your high, you’re still in that same piece of shit trailer that smells like a turd vomited, you know what I mean.
“I don’t really have time for this interview,” says one customer, “because I’m pumping gas, and I really need to get driving. Oh yeah, I am really pissed off that they ran out of Hummers, god damn it.”
“Yeah, sure, $10, who cares, I have too much money, and I want to go places,” says another customer, “Look this is my pump up time, can you go away? Oh, an interview? OK. I have no idea how gas companies keep prices so low, yeah I might get irritated around $20 a gallon, but still the prices now, who really gives a shit? I only spend around 50-60 dollars every time I fuel up. Now that’s a goddamn bargain!”
“I really like comfort, so since fuel prices are so unbelievably low, I drive my RV to work every day,” comments one programmer for a software conglomerate, “other people are doing it too. Traffic has gotten a little weird with so many RVs on the road during rush hour. Parking sucks if everyone drives their RV in on the same day, but oh well, we can cope.”
During the past 8 years RV sales have multiplied more than 10 fold. An RV spokesman complained that they were having a tough time competing with auto manufactures just for tires or small things like headlights.