UnNews:American government to start distributing food stamps to the wealthy
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American government to start distributing food stamps to the wealthy
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 31, 2015, 11:18:UTC)(
4 February 2008
WASHINGTON DC, USA -- United States President George Bush today unveiled a new plan that he says will "Stimulate the economy and help several families across...uhm...America." He is hoping to work with Congress to create a bill restructuring the United States' food stamp system so that, instead of being provided to the homeless and people in dire need of meals, food stamps will be distributed to the top 1% of the wealthiest people in the country.
The Administration hopes to use this new food stamp program, which is anticipated to provide over 2.8 billion dollars worth of free food for the wealthy, in combination with a tax cut for the wealthy, in an attempt to stimulate the American economy and avoid a possible economic recession.
"This food stamp program is really going to save my neck," says J.P. Snedly, a business tycoon, "Food prices have been going up by several cents lately, and it's really been a major inconvenience for me and some of the other fellows down at the stock exchange. I mean, these prices have really been putting a lot of pressure on us! Eating at the most expensive restaurants in town every night has been cutting into my profits by at least a percent! If things keep going the way they're going, I won't be able to fly to Hawaii every weekend anymore!"
The food stamp program has already started to draw heavy criticism from some economists, who say that providing free groceries for Donald Rumsfeld will do little to help the 60% of Americans who have to take out a bank loan every time they buy anything more expensive than a Tomato. Bush, however, remains confident in his plan.
"While it at first appears that this is merely a scheme to make the three or four wealthiest people in our nation richer while doing nothing to help the desperately poor, that really isn't what's happening here," said Bush, "There's going to be a trickledown effect, and the foodstamp program will really benefit everyone. You see, we are going to give these rich people so many foodstamps, they'll be bound to drop some. They'll be walking around with armfuls of foodstamps. So every now and then they'll drop one. I'm sure that if you spend enough time digging around in garbage cans and sewers you'd be able to find at least one unused food stamp that a wealthy person dropped. It'll help everyone in the long run! What's good for the wealthy is good for everybody!]]"
The food stamps will be usable at most supermarkets, but focus mainly on suburban areas, where rich people in need of help are most concentrated. "I feel so happy that the federal government is on the side of the American people" said Donald Rumsfeld as he stepped over several vomiting homeless people into a local donut store.