|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
13 January 2008
WASHINGTON DC, USA -- A group of America's top military officials met at the Pentagon earlier this week, to discuss possible responses to a recent encounter between an American ship, a smaller boat from Iran, and (though this aspect of the encounter has been highly under reported), a small rowboat from Indonesia.
About a week ago, a United States destroyer was on a routine mission about 3 feet away from the shore of Iran, when an Iranian ship approached. The commander of the ship yelled through a megaphone, "You could not of sent to us of them," and "In several of seconds, of which it was, you will explode, and the!" These messages from the small Iranian ship sent the American soldiers into an emergency state of confusion.
"It was a dangerous situation," president Bush told reporters at the White House, "The Serbians should not have done it, clear and simple. I don't know what their thinking was, but I'm telling you what my thinking was. I think it was a real provocative act." If anything, this only served to confuse American soldiers more.
But now, a group of top military officials may have arrived at a possible course of action that the United States could take in order to strike back at the Iranians. "We've decided to drop several thousand Arabic-English dictionaries on major Iranian cities," says United States general Rob Depoor, "Hopefully, they can use the dictionaries to learn English properly. That way, the next time they threaten us, it will be more a much more understandable threat, and we'll be able to declare war on them properly."
The original plan was to bombard Iranians with E-mails linking them to various online translation sites, but the U.S. leaders were unsure if that would work. "Do they even have E-Mail over in Turkmenistan, or whatever country it is we're declaring war on?" said one general, "Somebody check Conservapedia."
If all goes according to plan, the next time American ships encounter Iranian ones, the Iranian's threatening message will be something more coherent, along the lines of "DIE, INFIDELS!!!" Then the United States will be able to enter a war with them, "Which, after all, is our primary goal."