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21 March 2007
BURBANK, CA - American Idol finalists are so pathetic that they have not only outraged the show’s producer and chief critic, Simon Crowell, but they have also made the studio audience break into tears.
Viewers first thought that the audience members were crying with joy, but, when the master of ceremonies Ryan Seacrest invited one of them, a pre-teen girl named Ashley, to join him on the stage and asked her, “Why all tears?,” the girl replied, “These wannabe stars are so terrible, they make me cry!”
The judges, except for Simon, nevertheless praised the contestants, despite the fact that one sang “ahead of the music” and threatened critics in the audience with his microphone stand; another kept grabbing his crotch while crooning, “I love Michael Jackson”; and a third sang off-key, despite British singing sensation Lulu’s advice that she raise her pitch.
Paula Abdul, herself a former singer, offered the gentlest, if most meaningless, criticism, thereby earning the ire of Simon, who prefers brutal honesty to “warm and fuzzy, touchy feely talk.” According to Abdul, the singers were “terrific, all of you,” but needed to “tune in a little more to the cosmic vibes of the Oversoul.” She also suggested that Nice Spice “wear some underwear.”
One mind-numbingly dull performance followed another as the lackluster lounge singers tried to sing and dance their way through their numbers. Horrible performances were given by Blake Lewis Chris Richardson, Chris Sligh, Phil Stacey, Sanjaya Malakar, Gina Glocksen, Haley Scarnato, Jordin Sparks, Lakisha Jones, Melinda Doolittle, and Stephanie Edwards.
The show featured attempts to sing songs from the 1960’s British pop invasion, with several singers trying to sing songs that were recorded
centuries decades ago by Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones, including “Paint It Black” (Abdul’s own personal favorite, which suggests that its wannabe singer was attempting to influence at least one of the judges).
The Beatles’ “She’s Not There” was also butchered. According to Sir Paul McCartney, “John’s probably spinning in his grave” at the way in which the song that he and McCartney wrote while masturbating together about a girl who isn’t there. He said he’s seeking a court order to prevent American Idol contestants from ever trying to sing another of the group’s songs. “I like a good joke as well as the next bloke,” he told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies, “but I draw the line at parodies by untalented imbeciles.”
Reportedly, many other professional singers are also suing the show to prevent its competitors from “butchering” their songs. If they are successful in winning court-ordered injunctions, the impact of such an order could be “devastating” to the show, Simon admitted. “The contestants would have to actually write their own songs, which is asking too much of people who can’t even carry a note.”
In the previous episode, American Idol wannabes sang their hearts out, creating what Simon called “a proper bloody mess all over the bloody stage,” in hopes of not getting axed by the show’s voters, and Diana Ross previewed her latest song, “This Show Really Sucks.”
Next week, Simon promised the tearful Ashley, one of the would-be idols will be voted off the show.
“Can’t you vote them all off?” the tearful tart pleaded.
“If I did that, there’d be no show, honey,” Simon told her.
“Exactly,” Ashley said, smiling, for the first time all night, through her tears.