UnNews:America votes and goes home

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America votes and goes home

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3 November 2014


The main event won't make anyone more knowledgeable but it could be plenty amusing.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Tuesday is the "mid-term" American election, where voters will choose between President Obama's high standards for jobs, health care, and pollution by manufacturers (if any should return from Mexico), and an undefined alternative.

Republican Party chairman Reince Priebus has decided against any national program and has told his candidates to run on "local issues" rather than ISIS, Ebola, or the abuse of the IRS. Thus, most spent October pleading that they don't hate women, don't hate African Americans, and don't want to end payments to ailing seniors. The Democratic Party will promote the status quo, although none of its candidates is willing for either Mr. Quo or Mr. Obama to come to the district to help campaign, as the Favorables on both are dropping faster than a privatized space rocket.

Democrats will put purple shirts on federal employees and send them door-to-door, promising that 2015 will finally be the Summer of Recovery, while Republicans will rely on daily, identical mailings from the Koch Brothers and the NRA describing the evil that Mr. Obama intends to wreak the week after the vote.

Mr. Obama is not on the ballot, though he famously noted that "my policies are," in the season's biggest face-palm moment for his aides. He will be spending Election Day with Federal Reserve chairwoman Janet "Old Yeller" Yellen, as though her mind isn't made up. But all 435 Congressmen are up for vote, as well as one-third of the 100-member U.S. Senate. No surprises are expected in the House, as two years is enough for most members to use loot to win permanent loyalty. But a full 9 Senate seats could go either way, most involving a seat whose prior pair of buttocks died or was sent to prison.

Republicans tout the 200 pieces of legislation the House of Representatives has passed in the last two years. Only one has been allowed into debate in the Democratic Senate; it renamed the Post Office in St. Clairsville, Ohio and Mr. Obama signed it into law, allowing Republican challengers to claim that their opponent "voted with Obama 100% of the time." If Republicans could take the Senate, Harry Reid (D-NV) would be replaced by Mitch McConnell (?-KY), who is described as "courtly" rather than "sleazy." Bills could get all the way through the Congress — assuming Democrats are as ashamed to filibuster as Republicans have been. This would force Mr. Obama to issue dozens of vetoes. The result would be identical but Mr. Obama would look stupid, which is thought to be important, even though he will have to step down in 2016 anyway and Hillary Clinton will again ask "What difference — at this point — does it make?" — of a nation that is agonizing over the exact same question two years sooner.

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