UnNews:America celebrates 1,000th school shooting

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America celebrates 1,000th school shooting

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29 November 2014

HIGHWATER, Pennsylvania -- Yesterday, America experienced its 1,000th-ever shooting at a little-known school. A public event was held to commemorate the occasion. "This really is a special day for our otherwise non-noteworthy school," said Principal Jim James of Highwater Elementary. "If it weren't for this shooting, no one would have ever paid attention to our school in the first place," he continued.

However, there was mixed opinion among the student body on the 1,000th shooting. "I'm quite surprised that our school was even able to nab a shooting in the first place," exclaimed fourth-grader Phyllis Pollard. "Usually we small-timer schools will only get a fatal car crash or two a year, but the 1,000th school shooting in America? Now that's special."

Others were not so exuberant. "School shootings were so yesterday," commented third-grader Chris Columbine. "I mean, sure, it's the 1,000th shooting and all, but do people really expect to get so worked up over something that's already been done to death? Another shooting only means more metal detectors and pat-downs every morning," he said, "Especially when a crazy guy claimed to be the Joker when he shot up a 'Dark Knight' screening the other year. How are we gonna top that?"

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Fendall with the weapon used in the assault.

Ice cream and cake were served at the 1,000th anniversary event, along with plenty of balloons and colorful decorations. "Wow, I had no idea that I was the 1,000th shooter!" exclaimed the Highwater assassin, one Patrick Fendall. "I just thought I was just some disturbed kid. I never imagined I would be the 1,000th one to throw his and others' lives away!" Fendall was able to eat some cake and sign autographs before being hauled off, and he said that the cake was very delicious.

President Obama spoke on the occasion; "I am deeply saddened by the announcement of yet another school shooting. We Americans need to stand together and protect our fellow neighbor, for hope is the strongest weapon against such violence."

"Obama's just jealous that he didn't get any cake," said Principal James. "It was really good cake too. Too bad he missed out."

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