This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
24 March 2010
SAN FRANCISCO, California -- A new religion has just applied for tax-exempt status from the Internal Revenue Service, claiming itself to be a bona fide church. Management at San Francisco International Airport are preparing for an inundation of leaflet-bearing, flower-distributing long hairs playing tambourines and singing, "Hairy, Hairy Krishna" to the beat of tabla. What they'll actually get may be something altogether different.
Adherents of the faith of "Hairy Krishna", or Sasquatches, as they call themselves, are typically well-groomed and neatly dressed, often in white shirts with blue ties, and striped suspenders. Grooming and hygiene are among many principles of this new religion, born on American soil.
Hairy Krishna International, founded in 1972 by the Reverend Caustic Feltch, is a self-proclaimed spiritual organization with the goal of spreading peace, the love of Krishna (a supreme deity, sometimes equated with the idea of God), and hirsuteness.
The son of a Mormon father and Hindu mother developed a spiritual identity early in life, and was recognized as a religious scholar in his home town of Provo, Utah by age 12. Before the age of 20 he had created an interesting mixture of his parents faiths, and founded a church that claims hundreds of followers. Guru Feltch, as he calls himself, tells a tale of a dream he had as a child.
"In my dream, the Lord Krishna came to me, and spoke to me of the truth of Joseph Smith. I was then instructed to look into a calm pool of water, whereupon I saw my reflection naked and covered in glorious hair," writes Feltch in his holy book, the Book of Mormon Krishna. "His great voice resounded in my head, saying to spread the hair to all male and female followers, so that they might become pure and holy. Thus began a New Age, an age of Hairy Krishna."
Most area residents familiar with the Sasquatches say they are warm, friendly and generous people. "Just a little hairy, is all," says Don Magilla, whose neighborhood is equal parts "gentile" and Hairy.
"The only problem I can see," says local Dmitri Uvula, "is you can't get a bottle of Rogaine unless you're willing to drive 30 miles. I hear they got a baptismal pool full of the stuff. It's what makes them so hairy, I suppose."
Some California authorities aren't so sure about the groups peaceful intentions. Rumors are circulating that Feltch has built a heavily guarded compound in a remote location, where preparations for doomsday are being made.
One man who asked not to be named told UnNews, "I'll tell you one thing about them; they're stockpiling weapons. I've seen them, I've been to some of their meetings. Under all the love talk, it sounds like an apocalyptic cult to me."