UnNews:America's top strategist dies in Iraq
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America's top strategist dies in Iraq
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 1, 2015, 07:10:UTC)(
edit THE NEWS!
edit America's "Curious Man" in Iraq is killed
edit Those Pesky Arabs Likely Culprits say Wisemen
by Charles Allegation
REUTERS: MILITARY AND World Leaders were united in mourning yesterday for the funeral of Major Ronald "Katty" Tompkins following his sudden death on Saturday. Major Tompkins, the Head of US field strategy in Iraq, was 62. Authorities were alerted to Tompkins death when his body was discovered by guards on Saturday morning. He was stationed at the time in US Army barracks just North of Mosul on the Syrian-Iraqi border. Early indications suggest that he was the victim of a deliberate poisoning attack, thought to have been carried out by Al Qaeda terrorists based in Iran. Speaking simultaneously from live factcasts in Iraq and from his Holiday home in the Philippines, Vice Commander Troyful Nelson had these words of dignified manweeping:
"Katty" Tompkins was a great man; a diligent leader and a magnificent guardian of his troops...Scourge of the plenty, and wanderer of the High Seas. Friend to the poor, the needy; vanquisher of the wicked and unjust! Thank you "Katty" - and thank God too! - for creating such a complete man. A zenith, a jawboneful of true American Patriotism. That is all." A visibly shaken and emotional Nelson was helped from the press conference stage by close personal aides. He is expected to commence full leadership in the Gulf later next week.
Meanwhile, back in Washington George Bush cut short his scheduled thumbwar with Head of the UN Kofi Annan to attend a special ceremony held in the Capital to mark Katty's death. Speaking at the ceremony, he paid tribute to the man referred to as his own "hips and thighs on the ground" in Iraq,
"Many of you will know how close Katty Tompkins and myself were. Many of you will be feeling the loss that I am feeling now. Let me just say now that Katty Tompkins stood for everything that America is, and it is now America's duty to stand for everything that Katty stood for when standing for everything that America stood for."
He went on to announce a full day of National mourning across America, tentatively pencilled in the collective sorrow-diary for next Tuesday.