UnNews:Amazonian sea monster emerges from river

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29 January 2012

Swampmonster

Monster!!! (artist's depiction)

AMAZON RIVER, Brasil - Tons of people have seen a monster emerge from the cold, brackish water of the Amazon River. This frightening otherwordly creature from a slack lagoon comes complete with scary scary noises that sound like this a little "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH" and everybody runs.

The first sighting of this thing happened a long time ago, they tell me, and gulp I don't want to keep reporting this story, it's too scary and nerve wracking. But I will push on. The first sighting came when an old woman was taking a breather on the sand and lolling about, "la la la", and then, "AHHHHHHHHHH" it came out of the water all drippy, and when the thing was actually discovered later that year (you ever notice how someone can see something but it's not "discovered" until a guy from university wanders into the tent?)--whad the hell? oh it's just the fridge starting up - and was officially labeled a monster then all hell broke loose.

Soon everybody in town was seeing the monster on a regular basis, always emerging from the river. It must have emerged, retraced its steps backwards, and emerged again, thousands of times, and soon everyone who wanted to stood in line and got a photograph of the monster and with the monster, shaking hands and staring at it from like an inch away. Kids threw stones at the monster and it threw the stones back, just like monkey-in-the-middle but the monkeys were new world monkeys and not old world monkeys, and they did this so much that a scout from the Padres came down to see if the monster had a curve ball and ended up writing it off. Just like the rest of the Brasilian people, who were now lining up to yell stuff in the monster's direction and count coup on its seaweed.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH" it came out of the water again, but by this time the emerging was getting really old and not even the kids playing with sandbuckets glanced over at it. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH (cough, cough) HHHHHHHHHH" it kept on complaining, but even the little fish weren't scared of it anymore and swam around its feet, nibbling some of the vegetation on its feet and bumping up against it to spawn. Birds then started to land on it, singing their songs, and soon the Brasilian people, as they do, gathered together and danced and danced and danced. Eventually Carnaval broke out all over the place.

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