Amazon's drones attack Santa Claus
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, February 15, 2019, 08:00:UTC)(
3 December 2013
NORTH POLE, Snowistan -- Santa Claus's home and industrial complex here has been attacked by an Amazon drone attack ordered by their World Shopping Supreme Leader Jeff 'The Dominator' Bezos. Elf eyewitnesses taking a one-minute lunch break say a 'swarm' of drones appeared and dropped Amazon-wrapped parcel bombs on Santa's workshops.
"It was carnage, there were reindeer body parts everywhere," said one elf, Orlando Bloom. "One minute we were taking the batteries out of toys to ship out to our distribution centres - Santa's Grottoes - in shopping centres, and the next the place was full of burning tinsel. I got out but many of my fellow elves didn't make it... the inferno was worse than Smaug's bad breath."
Polar bears and other magical animals tried to rescue the survivors but were forced to take shelter as more Amazon drones appeared. Finally, a few hours later, the attack ceased. So far, Santa Claus has yet to be seen but reliable reports say he was sleeping off a Christmas party at Barnes and Noble in New York.
Dobbie, a spokeself for Santa Claus is hopeful that, working overtime, the elves will be able to restore the factory and have called on the World Trade Organisation (WTO) to organise a counter strike against Amazon. Dobbie added, "Amazon will resort to everything to increase their market share and blow up the opposition to achieve that."
At Amazon's heavily fortified European bunker, Jeff Bezos denied he had ordered the drone attack on Santa Claus and blamed the US army for 'mistargetting' their own drones. He said his drones, or 'Octopussies', were harmless and non-lethal unless you were underneath one which had stopped working.
"We at Amazon are an ethical company and though we now have drones, none of these have been armed. I suggest the Santa Claus organisation look elsewhere for their conspiracy theories. My own theory is that the US has long programmed their drones to use face recognition software to look for anyone with a beard and heavy robes. Santa fitted that profile, so that was why he was attacked."
Bezos said his company were more than happy to help anyone who may not receive their Christmas present this year; Santa customers need only send Amazon their credit card details and home address. In the meantime, anxious elves are waiting to hear for the 'ho! ho!! ho!!!' to tell them Santa Claus is alright.