UnNews:Amateur Anthropologist Killed by Relatively Uncontacted Tribe
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Amateur Anthropologist Killed by Relatively Uncontacted Tribe
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, September 1, 2015, 00:36:UTC)(
3 February 2012
The Rainforest--South America
A wannabe anthropologist has met his end late last year in the South-American rainforest while trying to gain the trust of some primitive tribesmen. Since the eighties he has been trying to contact the wild population living in some isolated natural park. First he captured one of their women with a special Louis Vuitton fur trap, married her and learned their language. Since then he has tirelessly tried all sorts of techniques to civilize them: kidnaps, torture, interrogations, propaganda, poisoning, syphilis, alcohol, strip-tease, narcotics and bribery. It seemed that the last two methods were yielding the best results, so he has allowed the primitives to harvest the poppies, the mushrooms, the coke and the pot plants he had been growing in his garden. Meanwhile he has been secretly visiting their campsites at night, leaving them petty gifts such as sticky candies procured by dumpster diving, stolen rearview mirrors, second hand glass anal beads, used latex dildos, even more used cork butt plugs, discarded gimp suits and pirated Kanye West CDs. The tribesmen were opening up, figuratively and literally when suddenly they decided to fry him for supper. It is unclear what angered them so much but it seems that some gift has made them go really mad.
Ray Smears, a self-proclaimed genius and expert anthropologist explains the causes of this failure: “This is a common mistake of amateur scientists. First they do it right, giving them nothing but crap and then they try to challenge their fable intelligence by offering them something interesting, like a Rubik Cube, a chess game or a Debussy musical notation. Such gifts either bore the cavemen to death or make them very angry. Should he have given them something stupid like an iPhone or an Xbox he would have won them over, but he was obviously a cheap bastard and he paid for it dearly.”
The South-American authorities are very concerned about this unfortunate event and it’s obvious that the relationships with their wild population are not going to get better any time soon, since they are also not very keen on spending the little money they earn from drug trade for the wellbeing of the hominids inhabiting their turfs and we all know how much crappy electronic gizmos cost now days.