UnNews:All sins Jesus died for used up
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All sins Jesus died for used up
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 2, 2015, 15:05:UTC)(
1 September 2009
VATICAN CITY - The Vatican struck fear into the core of the apple Earth today when it confirmed that all the sins Jesus Christ had died for have been used up by a trespass-hungry Earth. The Pope himself mumbled the announcement to a shocked and all too naked, gyrating crowd stating that the 'died for all our sins' guarantee wording had an asterisk next to it for a reason and that 'terms and conditions always applied'
Many blame over-population as a major contributing factor to the forgiveness burn-up - with 6 billion souls pumping out misbehavior from every orifice - Heather Mills being singled out for particular criticism. The dubious honor of using up the final sin went to Pierre Lespoon from Nantes, France when he simulated a grotesque sexual act with a two day old baguette. Lespoon has since apologized and consumed his bread product with some rather tasty cheese.
Scientists everywhere have expressed their alarm at the situation warning that unless a new stockpile of forgiveness is created quickly, human-sin will form itself into an angry dragon that will slowly start to melt the polar ice-caps with its breath.
As a precaution, governments around he world have made the removal of pants of the unmarried illegal until the forgiveness shortfall is rectified. 'We cannot risk their removal under any circumstances' American President Barack Obama said in his monthly radio address, 'I hope soon, with the measures that are being taken, unmarried Americans can once again change their underwear.'
Calls from every denomination of Christians for Jesus to return and repeat the crucifixion to generate new sin neutralizing forgiveness have been rejected point-blank by the happily retired golf-loving former messiah. In a statement issued from Heaven in response to the Vatican, Jesus commented, 'If you think I'm going anywhere near a cross again - you can fuck off!'
Simon Cowell was quick to put his new show 'Messiah Idol' into production. One of the judges, the angel Jerry Falwell spoke to UnNews about exactly what they were looking for in the new 'Son of God(TM)': 'We're very open minded. He's got to have been born to a virgin obviously. Facial hair is reasonably important; and not being too upset about the prospect of a painful crucifixion would of course be seen as a major plus point.'
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|