UnNews:All crises end, unfortunately

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12 August 2010

Kids in Masks

Children at the nursery of the Sidwell Friends Society wear masks in preparation for society's next scary crisis, which government will take decisive measures to stem.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- With the legislative program of U.S. President Barack Obama still not completely enacted, all of the world's crises have suddenly and prematurely subsided.

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The government said that most of the mess created by the Gulf of Mexico oil spill is already gone. As reported, BP deployed massive amounts of dispersant, which broke up the oil so that bacteria ate it--sometimes before required approvals had gone all the way up the chain of command at the EPA. This is the first report that says that nearly 70% of the spilled oil has been dissolved naturally, or was burned, skimmed, dispersed or captured, with almost nothing left to see. "The doomsday scenarios that we talked about...will not come to fruition," admitted White House spokesman Barry Gibb.

Some scientists disagreed, as their Gulf vacation has barely begun and most of their grant money is unspent. They charge that the government study is "guesswork" and/or unduly influenced by BP itself. (By comparison, having government take over health care and double the budget deficit in the name of "stimulus" was not guesswork.)

Even the swine flu, a deadly new virus that was to ravage mankind as strains did a century ago, has apparently fizzled. The World Health Organization admitted yesterday that the outbreak was much milder than feared. "The new H1N1 virus has largely run its course," said WHO official Margaret Chan, though she defended the agency's earlier declaration that it was an epidemic. "That was the right call," she said.

Mr. Obama held out hope that the nation's computers, through faulty programming, might all seize up and malfunction at midnight on January 1, 2011, and that businessmen will use this as an excuse to refuse to deal with customers or honor their promises. A similar fear at the turn of the century forced businesses to conduct audits of all their software--including programs that had worked correctly for a decade but could no longer be re-created or modified--to prove it would continue to function when the calendar turned over. Mr. Obama said that a similar national effort might revive the economy from recession and truly make this the summer of recovery.

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