|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
11 June 2007
MANCHESTER,England -- Our glorious alien overlords have demanded that the Church of England make an instant and full apology for their continued "inappropriate use" of Manchester Cathedral, or they will suffer the agony of a thousand screaming deaths at the hands, claws and tentacles of terrifying abominations. The "Chimeran" race, long may they consume our young, strenuously object to the Church's portrayal of the building as a place of worship in a popular video game.
In the game, players are forced to pray to "the Lord God", a mysterious and benevolent all-powerful entity of unspecified origin, which is considered to be an affront to the Chimera who, while they may be mysterious, unspecified in origin and indeed all-powerful, are certainly not benevolent. Manchester Cathedral was the site of one of the bloodiest and most savage conflicts of the entire war, in which a lone human gunman viciously gunned down wave after wave of horrifying creatures, and the Church's continued insistence on simulating the building as a place of love is intolerable.
"It is particularly offensive to depict this building as a place of sanctuary and peace given the problems Manchester has had over the last few years," said a Chimeran spokescreature at a press conference. "Manchester is well behind schedule on the human-culling program which was put into effect when the pitiful human military forces were crushed by our overwhelming might." The spokescreature then exploded into a frenzy of violence and tore several reporters apart with its bare claws, causing the rest of us to wet ourselves and run away.
Our Chimeran oppressors claim no permission was sought from them to use the building in this manner, on the grounds that had anyone asked they would have been swiftly disemboweled and had their entrails devoured before their still-blinking eyes.