UnNews:Aliens attack New Mexico laboratory
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Aliens attack New Mexico laboratory
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, August 25, 2016, 19:15:UTC)(
5 May 2006
At 2:44 PM UTC, or 8:44 AM local time, a laboratory known as the Black Mesa Research Facility, in New Mexico, was attacked by aliens who emerged from an alternate dimension. According to a scientist who managed to escape from the facility, the attack began after a failed experiment which involved putting some sort of mysterious substance into a nuclear reactor. The reactor was apparently destroyed in a magnificent and dramatic explosion of green lightning, and vicious aliens (all carnivorous and some capable of infesting and controlling human corpses) randomly teleported into the facility from a place currently known only as 'Xen'.
Within a matter of hours, the facility had been overrun by swarms of alien creatures. The United States military quickly sent in a team of expert commandos, police officers and kitten huffers to kill all the aliens, arrest or kill all the scientists (whichever is easier) and huff all the kittens. However, so far they have taken heavy losses, not only from the aliens but also from robotic machine guns mounted all over the base and an unknown scientist in a power suit who so far has managed to not only evade capture but also kill hundreds of aliens and set off numerous rockets randomly located across the facility. He will likely be apprehended soon, after he runs out of ammunition. The american soldiers also expect to have the base contained within the next 24 hours, after which a highly trained biohazard team will enter the base and shut down the interdimensional portals that allowed the aliens to enter our universe in the first place.
Uncyclopedia: So, just to start off with, what exactly were those materials they put in the nuclear reactor that made it into a portal to another dimension?
Ted: We're not sure. So far all we've determined is that they were anomalous.
Uncyclopedia: How anomalous?
Uncyclopedia: I see. About how many aliens are there in the facility at the moment, and how soon do you expect to contain them?
Ted: There are some 280000 aliens, and they're currently arriving at the rate of around 20 every second. We'll certainly contain them eventually, the question is just how many soldiers we lose before we manage it.
Uncyclopedia: And about this scientist you've been tracking, the one with the glasses and the crowbar? When do you expect to capture him?
Ted: It's hard to say. According to our latest reports he has about 98 health and a few thousand bullets. We're clearing up all the random piles of ammunition we can find, but there are many clips still lying in stupid places on the floor deep inside the facility, so we're assuming he has a good stock of ammunition and explosives with him. He's killed at least 4500 aliens and some 147 of our soldiers so far, so we're treating him as extremely dangerous.
Uncyclopedia: Makes sense. So, would you say that these alien invaders pose any threat to our civilization?
Ted: Very, very little. We have the entire base surrounded by helicopters and military personnel, and before long we expect to have shut down all the remaining dimensional portals, thereby preventing more aliens from coming through to our universe. I wouldn't lose any sleep over it if I were you. Our biggest concern right now is what would happen if someone took this whole incident and made it into a computer game.
Uncyclopedia: I suppose that's because it might compromise your security?
Uncyclopedia: Don't you think having it written up and posted on Uncyclopedia might compromise your security?
Ted: Nah. No one reads Uncyclopedia anyway.
Uncyclopedia: True. Well, I suppose that concludes our interview. Thank you for your time, Ted!
The sad thing is that aliens read Uncyclopedia!