UnNews:Aliens Had To Stop For Gas
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Aliens Had To Stop For Gas
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, February 7, 2016, 11:53:UTC)(
15 October 2008
Alabama - People across the world today were bitter with disappointment when a 2000 mile long alien craft did not appear in the skies of Alabama. Blossom Goodchild, the schizophrenic twat-faced bitch who made this wild prediction last month, today announced that after inquiring with
herself the aliens, she learnt why they couldn't make it to Earth.
She had this to say:
"I made contact with them, the Federation of Darkness, this morning. They told me they ran out of gas halfway through their journey due to a fuel leak, and had to stop for gas at Neptune."
The past two months have seen a mixture of excitement and mockery, as people were very divided on whether or not alien beings would finally reveal themselves to the world. Blossom Goodchild is quoted as having said "They are coming to move us into a higher vibration of love."
This single quote is one of the many other explanations offered for the aliens absence by psychics across the world, who claim that the aliens had intended for us to buy vibrators from the local sex shops and use them at the same time on October 14th in order for them to appear.
Yet another explanation is that the aliens forgot to check their planetary defenses before leaving their homeworld, and so went back home to check just to be on the safe side.
Whilst no 2000 mile long craft did appear in the skies of Alabama, the past several days have seen a flurry of UFO reports. One tourist sent in a picture taken in Birmingham, of a large, dinner plate like object hovering above a hotel. It turned out that it was infact exactly what it had been described as; a dinner plate, hanging from a piece of string.
A local hick woman thought she had come across a crashed UFO in the woods whilst she was outside doing hick stuff. It turns out that she had infact found a dead whale.
These are just two reports of hundreds more across Alabama.
Goodchild has lost a great deal of support since her prediction turned out to be bullshit, but is confident that all is not lost. She says that the aliens are still coming but there is just one problem: THE GAS BILL, which is thought to be around $40,000,000.
The few who remain faithful to Blossom and her cause are now sending all their hard earned money to her, who claims she will forward it to the aliens so that they can pay the bill and carry on their journey.