UnNews:Alien study: Humans are retarded
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Alien study: Humans are retarded
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, March 18, 2018, 00:47:UTC)(
23 September 2014
Erra, Plejaren -- This afternoon, a study funded by the Pleiadian government was ended early, and the results distributed to all Galatic Federation allies, some as far as 6 billion light years away. The study finds that homo sapiens are retarded and morally-devolved lower lifeforms, and as a result of the study, the SDI (Sentience Developmental Index) of the species has been downgraded into the category of Trash.
The study involved 2,243 years of monitoring and surface reconnaissance of the planet and its inhabitants, and although the study was originally planned to continue until humans evolved to the point where first contact could be made to invite them into the greater galactic community, the study was ended prematurely, with all involved scientists calling for barring the barbarians from ever joining the Galactic Federation and for increasing the Van Allen Belt radiation levels several orders of magnitude higher to protect outer space from ever being infested by humanity.
The study affirms what has been commonly said by those who have had contact with the planet Earth, and gives further credence to the phrase of "human-like behavior", a phrase becoming increasingly common in the vernacular of many galactic species to describe the unbelievably avaricious and retarded behavior of humans. Even though hatred and fear of humans is well-justified, the researchers involved in the study felt compelled to begin covert medical research to discover why humans started becoming especially retarded by irradiating their own planet, and in order to learn as much as possible about such psychotic behavior and to help humanity. However, after decades of intensive medical research and inability to help humanity as the scientists watched them become more retarded and morally-repugnant than animals, they have now finally decided to cease their work and have officially declared the trash species a lost cause. Accompanying their announcement to cease the study, researchers made public their millions of medical exams performed on abducted humans showing the continual devolution of higher brain functions and inter-generational genetic damage caused by exposure to mostly man-made toxins, and a list of 25,000 major cases of crimes against morality over the last few centuries, each of which convincingly supports their claim that humans have been devolving over time.
In the highly comprehensive medical research portion of the study, strong correlation was found between psychosis and the ability for the humans to accumulate a religious item they refer to as "Money", which humans use to form hierarchies, and use "Debt" and the religious pursuit of paper and higher numbers in "bank balances" to enslave other humans, and deny others food, water, shelter, and other necessities of life, so that as of the present time, only humans exhibiting human-like behavior populate the planet. Over the last two centuries, devolution of morality has been observed at a time when industrialization should have made human-like behavior a thing of the past, which motivated the scientists to engage in medical exams on a significant number of the scumbag population, after which they discovered that the psychotic human-like behavior was the result of irreparable devolution where the most avaricious humans procreated while the more morally-evolved humans couldn't afford to feed themselves or their children. The researchers also provided convincing statistical analysis of the exponential increase in human-like activities on planet Earth occurring over the last two centuries, contrasting it with charts of the exponential decrease of human-like behavior as technology increased in historical case studies of species that possess sentience.
The researchers stress that even with their attempts to guide humanity onto a less violent and destructive path, humans invariably fall back to their same barbaric human-like activities, and become even more barbaric with greater technological progress. An example they cite to prove humans cannot be helped is when humans attempted to murder reconnaissance agent Alaje by nailing him to a wooden structure when he attempted to teach them that human life is more important than their "Money" or "Interest", and after he was teleported away from the murderous humans, they created a religion around him as an ideology to justify murder of each other for the last two thousand years. Some other key examples provided were humans detonating over 2,000 nuclear bombs to irradiate their own atmosphere since the 1940's, the use of depleted uranium weapons that will irradiate the planet indefinitely, popular human culture and entertainment, cutting off the foreskin of males at birth, the 30,000 humans who die every Earth-day because they don't have "money" to "buy" the necessities of life or "pay off" their "debt", the increase in autism rates from 1 in 10,000 to 1 in 50 over the last 15 years and autoimmune damage to DNA due to the deliberate injection of toxic heavy metals and viruses into the blood stream, the Gulf of Mexico oil spill, the Japan nuclear power plant emissions, the many wars waged for resources, YouTube video comments, politicians, hedge fund managers, used car salesmen, and most importantly, your stupid human face.
At the next Galactic Federation Council session where the focus of discussion will be on the study and what to do with the trash species of humanity, most galactic species are expected to vote in favor of preclusion of humanity from the Federation and indefinitely denying them space travel, with some believing there may be enough support for eradication of all mammalian bipeds and their closest relatives from the planet Earth, so as to allow more promising species such as the Cetaceans greater opportunity to survive and not be killed by the oil spills and other dangerous and harmful activities committed by the retarded species.