UnNews:Aliens deny plan to enforce carbon tax
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Aliens deny plan to enforce carbon tax
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 27, 2015, 14:12 (UTC)
20 August 2011
ALPHA CENTAURI -- Keanu Reeves aka Klaatu, who is an alien messenger in human form, called a press conference on the International Space Station to flatly deny Al Gore’s claim that Aliens plan to enforce Gore’s carbon tax. Klaatu took this unprecedented move to counter what he figuratively calls “utter horse-shit.”
Recently Al Gore reported that he was contacted by aliens who informed him they are observing us from a vantage point located just behind the Moon to determine if changes in Earth's atmosphere -- which are symptomatic of a civilization engaged in the mass production of CO2 greenhouse gases -- directly or indirectly endangers Earth’s cockroaches as a species. Gore claims that the aliens plan to take drastic action to keep us from becoming a more serious threat to the well being of cockroaches by enforcing his carbon tax plan.
This dog-faced serious scenario is, perhaps, the most preposterous threat ever coined by Gore and backed by a Nasa-affiliated scientist and his cretinous colleagues at Pennsylvania State University, who warn that if humans fail to cough up carbon tax to further enrich the global elite they may have to pay an intergalactic penalty.
Dr. Hansel Gretel of Nasa’s Planetary Science Division and his colleagues compiled a list of plausible outcomes that could unfold in the aftermath of a failed carbon tax to help humanity prepare for actual punishment and/or annihilation by pissed off cockroach loving extra-terrestrials.
In their report, If We Do Not Pay Carbon Tax Will Punishment By Extra Terrestrials Serve Us Right? A Scenario Analysis, the researchers divide alien contacts into three broad categories: probation, imprisonment or the death penalty.
Probationary encounters ranged from the mere lie-detector tests administered by extraterrestrials, for example through the use of Vulcan “mind-melding,” that help us advance our knowledge and solve global problems such as how to make the rich much richer. While encounters that are characterized by imprisonment or the death penalty are self-explanatory.
The extraterrestrials – who may actually look like cockroaches themselves -- may be too different from us to communicate with usefully. They might try to invite humanity to join the "Galactic Club" only for the entry requirements to be too bureaucratic and tedious for humans to bother with. Or they could even become carbon tax law enforcers.
The most unappealing outcomes would arise if extraterrestrials caused harm to humanity in an attempt to protect the Earth’s cockroach populations. Other scenarios suggest that aliens may arrive to eat, enslave and kill us, in that order.
To improve humanity's chances of survival, the researchers call for caution in texting signals into space, and in particular warn against broadcasting information about our biological make-up, which could be used to manufacture weapons that target humans and not cockroaches. Instead, any contact with ETs should be limited to mathematical discourses on how much was paid in carbon tax each Earth year.
But all these suggestions were flatly denied by Keanu Reeves who is, in fact, an Alien, and is, therefore, qualified to speak on their behalf. Even if we never pay carbon tax that will not endanger the Earth’s cockroach populations globally, Reeves argues. According to common knowledge as confirmed by Reeves, nothing, including 100% pure CO2 or even all-out nuclear war, can possibly harm a cockroach or cause collapse in cockroach species survival.
- Staff "Aliens may destroy humanity to protect other civilizations, say scientists". The Guardian, Aug 20, 2011