UnNews:Alaska woman wins 2011 International Punching-A-Bear-In-The-Face Championship
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
4 September 2011
ANCHORAGE, Alaska — In a stunning upset, a 110-lb hairdresser from Juneau, Alaska, has won the 2011 International Punching-A-Bear-In-The-Face Championship. Brooke Collins, 22, a vast underdog in the competition, was declared the winner by technical knockout (TKO), after she gave the 961-lb. male Kodiak bear a right hook directly to the snout, and then (in a move that shocked everyone, including the bear) "bollocksed" it. According to her bear-punching coach, Lefty Hardwank, Collins lured the bear to herself with the scent of a small dachshund named "Fudge".
"It was a brilliant approach she used there, just brilliant, and her technique was the dog's bollocks!" gushed a breathless Hardwank. "I would've never thought of it. Most people try to go to the bear, but she had the good sense to get the bear to come to her. Never seen a match like that. She's an incredible kid. I see big things in her future. I mean, she even got the dog back!"
Collins' victory—which was resoundingly cheered in her hometown, and around the world—was all but assured, the moment she survived. The icing on the cake was when the bear slunk away in apparent shame and confusion. Collins' closest competitor, and the odds-on favorite to win this year's cup, Sven "Svenny" Svensson, was in the lead early in the Cup, but began to fall back in the standings after disappearing in late July. He has not been seen since.
The outcome of the Championship match was far from uncontroversial, and not everyone had praise for Collins. Soer McLuesser, one of the top-ranked bear-punchers in the world, had this to say of Collins' victory:
"Popping a bear in the pills? That's just not cricket! She's too young, she's too small, she has no experience—and she has a vagina. People with vaginas aren't supposed to be punching bears, anyway. It's irresponsible, and it's just (expletive) stupid. She cheated, on top of it. You can't go around baiting bears with dachshunds. Or salmon. Or things that smell like salmon—like a vagina. Somebody could've gotten killed."
But league officials brushed aside McLuesser's comments, and had nothing but glowing praise for Ms. Collins. "Everything she did was well within the rules. This is a fantastic victory for her," said Bayer Pounder, commissioner of the International Punching-A-Bear-in-the-Face League, which sanctions the Championship. "It's a fantastic win for the International Punching-A-Bear-In-The-Face Cup, and it's a fantastic win for the league. We couldn't have scripted a better outcome, we really couldn't. No, I mean it, we couldn't have. We've tried."
According to Pounder, Sven Svensson's remains will probably be fished out of a frozen pile of bear droppings at some point in the next three years, and returned to his next-of-kin. "Yeah, we're pretty hopeful we'll find him. Usually when the spring thaw starts in about June or so, folks will come across a heap of bones. Hate to see Sven lose, but, y'know, it's a dangerous sport. It is what it is. These things happen."
Ms. Collins was overcome by emotion during the award ceremony. "I always wanted to punch a mother(expletive) bear right in the mother(expletive) face, and I did it, Mamma!" she said. "Oh, my God, my God, thank you Jesus!" she added, before falling to her knees and pointing at the sky. She later said that she has no plans to compete in next year's contest, but will to move on to the punching of larger wildlife. "My mamma always wanted me to try for a blue whale. I'm going to try for a lion in 2012, and then a shark in 2013, and if things go right, maybe I'll go for the whale in 2014. Wooo!"
Officials for the World Punching-A-Lion-In-The-Face League and Major League Shark-Face-Punching were enthusiastic about Ms. Collins' plans. "We'd love to have her in 2012," said Fieu Fengers, President of the WPALITFL. Officials for MLSFP have reportedly already reserved a spot for Ms. Collins in 2013.
- Reuters "Alaska woman wins International Punching-A-Bear-In-The-Face Championship". Yahoo! News, August 31, 2011