UnNews:Alaska declares March 24 Sasquatch Appreciation Day
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Alaska declares March 24 Sasquatch Appreciation Day
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 28, 2015, 03:33:UTC)(
24 March 2010
WASILLA, Alaska -- Newly minted celebutard and former Alaska governor Sarah Palin officially declared today to be Sasquatch Appreciation Day in Alaska, at a sparsely attended press conference in her home town. "I once communed with a wild Sasquatch, don't you know?" said Ms. Palin from the dais at a small assembly of local "dignitaries". Among those gathered were Darby Guillen, Palins long-time wolf hunting helicopter pilot, and Scats McGibbon, holder of the worlds record longest uninterrupted belching record.
Reading alternately from her hand and a pack of index cards specially marketed for the mentally retarded, Palin spoke of the majestic unofficial state primate, and described her encounter further. "We were at a Pentecostal Church celebration, praising the Lord and whatnot, at the time, don't you know? After a little sing-along we had one evening, I strolled into the chapel to think happy thoughts about Jesus, and who do you think I saw at the podium? Why, a Sasquatch, of course!"
Impressed by his knowledge of the Bible and his courteous manners, she struck up a conversation with the beast, and later became lifelong friends with him. "He said his name was Rush, Rush Limbaugh, don't you know?" said Palin. "Oh, and he could juggle and do calculus! I almost hired him on my campaign staff that one time."
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