UnNews:Alabaman's threat to violate violators goes to court
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Alabaman's threat to violate violators goes to court
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, October 27, 2016, 09:05:UTC)(
20 June 2010
TONGUEPUNCH, Alabama -- Here in the heart of redneck America, a local dispute over the content of warning signs has finally gotten a ruling. Circuit Court Judge Ringtail Jehovah of the 9th district of Hootenanny County heard arguments from the district attorney that Clayton Grunterd posed a danger to his community by threatening to forcibly sodomize trespassers on his properties.
Grunterds defense attorney Mark Flederjungenschlagermachen outlined his case for UnNews, saying "the whole debate here centers on the word "violated", and what my client here may or may not mean by such forth. To wit, whereas the signage does read that "Trespassers will be violated", does this represent a specific threat to violate sexually a trespasser, as my esteemed colleague the district attorney asserts, or isn't it more likely that this is a vague statement of notice not to trespass, and not a specific reference to sodomy or the like. Even if it could be shown that my client did mean a specific action by "violated", it is at most unclear that Mr. Jehovah meant to sodomize, or to buy said trespasser a sasparilla. I posit that the source of such a suspicion, that he was referring to sodomy, is the mind of the accuser himself, which has been too easily swayed by the complaints of old ladies with buggery on the brain."
In response to the defense attorneys meandering caterwaul, assistant district attorney Fred Interferon told UnNews, "Well, as my grandmammy used to tell me as a child, a dirty mind is its own reward."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|