UnNews:Alabama okays latex bikinis

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7 January 2007

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Nipples: where Alabama draws the line

Birmingham, AL - Alabama’s attorney general has agreed with the attorneys for 18 gentlemen’s clubs that topless dancers cannot be considered to be nude as long as they spray their breasts and buttocks with a mist of latex and wear a G-string or a thong bikini.

“As long as the nipples are covered, that’s all we care about in the Yellowhammer State,” the attorney general said. “The ladies think it’s strange that the law says the can cover their whole breast--both of them, in fact--except the nipple--or nipples, and I reckon maybe it is, but that’s the law.”

Asked whether the requirement that the nipples be covered when the rest of the breasts may remain exposed makes sense to him, the attorney general replied, “Mine is not to question why, but I could remind you of the old joke that goes, ‘How do you make five pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.’ Our law takes the nipple off the fat, I guess you could say.”

The strippers, although amused at the apparent absurdity of the law, which, along with the English novelist Charles Dickens, they call “an ass,” have found a way to make the latex work for them as an “enhancement” to their charms.

“The law is meant to conceal, but we’re using the latex to reveal. By using unusual colors, we highlight the nipples beneath the rubber, making them stand out all the more,” exotic dancer Boo Bee said.

Body Paint Shirts

Instant fans

“I hope, next, Alabama will outlaw the showing of my ass,” Jiggles N. Motion, another dancer declared, “because I think a few racing stripes or lightning bolts, properly placed, could make my derrière a sensation worthy of a few more bills in the G-string than I usually get.”

“There’s lots of things a girl can do with a little latex,” Boo Bee agreed. “During sports events, we can spray on team jerseys, changing them as appropriate for whichever fans are in the club on any given night, and the right combination of colors can turn our boobs into puppies, tigresses, lionesses, sunflowers, whatever.”

“We’re only limited by our imaginations,” Jiggles said, “and strippers have wild imaginations, that’s for sure.”

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