UnNews:Al Qaeda trying to recruit truck driver from California highway collapse
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Al Qaeda trying to recruit truck driver from California highway collapse
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, August 31, 2016, 06:26:UTC)(
29 April 2007
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Oakland, CA -- International terrorist organization Al Qaeda is actively trying to recruit the driver of the tanker truck that caused Sunday morning's highway onramp collapse in Oakland. The man single-handedly destroyed a critical piece of city infrastructure and was even able to escape with his life. Chief of Al Qaeda recruiting, Ahmed al-Salami, said that "this is precisely the kind of ingenious, dedicated, and effective employee that our organization is looking for."
The truck driver, whose covert skills are so high that his name is still unknown to UnNews, caused the collapse of 2 key onramps near San Francisco's Bay Bridge around 4 a.m. on Sunday. Damage is estimated to be in the millions, and the effect on the area's traffic and economy is incalculable. The tanker's explosion had to be very precisely placed to cause the kind of damage it did. A highway engineer revealed that "only certain small sections of the structure expose its steel beams, and in order for them to melt, the explosion had to affect them directly."
Veteran terrorists marveled at the truck driver's meticulous planning. "It's absolutely incredible that he was able to both design and execute his plan flawlessly," exclaimed jealous jihadist Mufta Zaraqi. Terrorist organizations worldwide are clamoring to sign the truck driver up, but Al Qaeda is confident that he will select them. "We are flying in representatives from Afghanistan to meet with the man later this evening," Mr. al-Salami said. Reportedly, Osama Bin Laden himself has been briefed on this morning's attack and is anxious to get the driver into his organization's ranks.
The non-suicide nature of the mission particularly impressed terrorists worldwide. "Normally, an operation like this would definitely martyr someone, but this concept of 'surviving' an attack is really going to open up a world of ideas for us," said a Hamas representative. The fact that the man was able to get a cab and leave the scene even before emergency responders arrived was even more astounding. "Imagine if the 9/11 hijackers had the same skills and were still alive!", marveled a Taliban official.
Media personnel were barred from visiting the truck driver at the hospital, but his agent did hold a brief press conference this afternoon. "My client will consider all offers and will select the one that best suits his destructive needs," he announced. Al Qaeda has reportedly offered a "no string attached" all-expenses-paid trip to visit their terrorist training camps in Pakistan's Waziristan province. "Once he sees the state-of -the-art pick-up trucks and monkey bars we have, the driver will surely decide to stay," confidently said al-Salami. The proposed salary is undisclosed, but fringe benefits are rumored to include "guaranteed martyrdom" and "at least 72 virgins - both in heaven AND on Earth."