UnNews:Al Davis returns from the dead for the third time
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Al Davis returns from the dead for the third time
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 28, 2015, 09:23:UTC)(
17 November 2011
Oakland, California Al Davis, beloved owner of the Oakland Raiders and Keeper of the Vault of Lost Souls, has returned from the dead to continue overseeing the affairs of his team. His putrid, decaying corpse was seen last night shambling out of its grave and wandering in the general direction of the Oakland Coliseum. This marks the third time that Al Davis has returned from the dead during his long and illustrious career with the Raiders.
Eyewitness accounts describe several Raiders players gathered around Davis's grave around midnight last night. With the aid of a full moon, they managed to summon Davis's soul from the eldritch and unfathomable realm of the dead. Runningback Darren McFadden led the elaborate ritual. He first sacrificed a virgin on an altar, then drew blood from the palm of his hand with a knife and chanted the following incantation from a copy of the Necronomicon:
"Y'AI'NG'NGAH. YOG-SOTHOTH. H'EE-L'GEB. F'AI THRODOG."
Shortly after, a poisonous mist issued from the earth and a legion of cacodaemons emerged from the netherworld to herald Al Davis's arrival on earth. Finally, Davis himself rose out of the grave, flesh sloughing off his bones. His inhuman, cyclopean visage reportedly caused several of the Raiders players to faint on the spot. Despite his hideous appearance, Davis was otherwise warmly received by Oakland.
Al Davis is no stranger to being resurrected from the grave. He was brought back from the dead for the first time in 2001, shortly after dying of a heart attack during the Raiders-Patriots AFC championship match. He died again in 2007 after being eaten by JaMarcus Russell, who mistook him for a piece of beef jerky. Although Davis's physical appearance has deteriorated after each resurrection, he remains the spiritual guide for Raider Nation.
With Davis's guidance, the Raiders hope to make a run for the Super Bowl this year. Physicians believe that Davis's dilapidated body will hold up for at least the rest of the season.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|