Al-Qaeda operative spills the beans
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 31, 2015, 10:29:UTC)(
16 January 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
"Initially, with 9/11, we'd just planned to shake Western civilization to its knees and maybe draw it into a war or two. While the first goal was a failure, the second has been an unqualified success. Since our Jihadi recruitment has gone through the roof in the last few years, we were able to take our business in a whole new direction." said the operative by videotape. "We've gone from a terror-driven business model, to a profit-driven one."
"The board voted to adopt a proactive stance and radically shift the paradigm of the 'big plan' shortly after 9/11. While we'd originally planned to sell knicknacks, tchotchkes, baubles and whatnot for a limited time to offset the cost of future terror attacks, our American operatives sold so many little U.S. flags on dowels, pins and belt buckles that it quickly surpassed even our mideast 'Burn-A-Flag' business. Even though most of the flags that were sold in America were of the tiny variety, primarily consisting of little flags that attach to car radio antennas for your godless radio broadcasts, quite frankly, the sheer volume sold stunned our original venture capitalist backers, the Saudis."
The operative, initially called 'Deep Shiite' by the media, is believed to be currently held in Gitmo, or one of the many other prisons, both secret and not-so-secret, scattered around the world. 'Deep Shiite' was quickly changed to 'Sunni Skies' after it was pointed out that al-Qaeda is a fanatical Islamist terror organization of the Sunni sect. Shi'as, for the most part, are too busy using power drills on Sunnis in Iraq, or oppressing women and advocating the destruction of Israel in Iran, to open markets in the West.
"We later expanded into 'God Bless America', 'On Fire for Jesus', 'Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition' and 'Real Men Like Bush' bumper stickers. They weren't as successful as our 'Bikini Inspector' t-shirts, back in the day, but they generate a stable revenue stream every quarter."
"Other minor terror ops in the UK and Spain were carried out to viral market our line of Union Jack and Spanish flags, but for unknown reasons they flopped. Still, we managed to break even after leasing the Spanish offices to Haliburton and shutting down that arm of al-Qaeda. The Spanish branch office was folded into the Brit one, and that office moved into high margin sales like security cameras, metal detectors and the like. To date it has run consistently in the black. Security, or at least the perception of security, is a booming market nowadays for some reason."
"You Americans aren't so bad. And this is coming from a guy who'll get seventy-two virgins if I die trying to kill you, so that's saying something. Ever since you redefined 'torture' you guys haven't been torturing me at all. Sure it still feels like torture but, to be honest, it's kind of fun after awhile." At this point the camera moved back, revealing several soldiers in military camouflage uniforms. The masked men are assumed to be American as most of them had pot bellies and, when the al-Qaeda agent took a break from his speech to stir some little marshmallows into his hot chocolate, one of them started bragging about the "...sweet dubs on my Escalade".
The White House denies that 'Sunni Skies' has ever been tortured. Vice-President Cheney has on many occasions categorically, if cryptically, stated, "Oceania is at war with Eastasia. Oceania has always been at war with Eastasia."
"But it wasn't until your godless airports started annoying non-terrorist passengers that the bomb dropped. Figuratively, of course." the al-Qaeda agent's speech paused momentarily while both he and his jailors shared a laugh, "Our cells got together, and after a risk analysis plus a few long nights we decided to pool our resources and start our own airline."
"While some of our brothers worry that the venture will fail, I'm firmly of the belief that Jihadi Airways will be a huge success and will crush the infidel airlines under its heel." 'Sunni Skies' made a cigarette crushing motion with a slippered foot before continuing, "While the other airlines deny you pretty much everything that makes flying tolerable, Jihadi Airways allows, nay, demands that you bring bottled liquids, matches, pocketknives, toenail clippers and the like. While the other airlines make you line up to pass through multiple security checkpoints for searches, interrogation and more searches, ours just lets you go straight on to the plane. I mean, it's not like you're a terrorist, right? Innocent until proven guilty, we say."
"We won't diverge entirely from what has become the standard for air travel, though. Just like the other airlines, we'll use minimal security precautions for your baggage. Also, as with the other airlines, if you're flying to Hawaii, your bags will go to Turkey." he closed, as his captors dragged him away for some 'alone time'.
Jihadi Airways is expected to start operations worldwide at about the same time that air travelers are forced to strip naked and give blood and stool samples before they're allowed to board the plane. Airline insiders think that this means the first flights will be on Wednesday. Next Monday, by the latest.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|