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Maybe we can talk rationally huh guys? pleeeeeeeeeeease? Due to Uncyclopedia's refusal to give a valid reason for deleteing this edit and due to them not even reviewing it I have been faced with no other choice than to use the hundreds of IP adresses at my disposal to let the world know about the real Gerry Cheevers...or u guys can stop being nazis...

Note: Uncyclopedia would first like to apologize for the low quality of this article. This article was not approved by the real Gerry Cheevers any person with at least some hint of a grasp of humor may want to sanction it. Uncyclopedia also needs to produce a valid reason why it would maintain the original, unfunny version of this page in lieu of anything. Please note that the original page portrayed Cheevers as a demi-god who routinely beat opponents physically. The page is now a satire of that original satire and by extension is a satire of most of the articles on this site since most of the articles on this site that are about people that are also demi gods. (Chuck Norris, trogdor, and yes even Vegeta... Do the right thing Uncyclopedia and read your own “How to be funny page” about NOT reproducing the same thing over and over and over and over and (Vegeta for God’s sake) over. It should be pointed out Gerry Cheevers is a user on this site and this article had been routinely preserved as a bit of hubrus on his part and not b/c of any humor present within the original article. This contradicts uncyclopedia's humor policies...especially the ones about not reusing Chuck Norris humor on every page. Even humor nerds are bent by politics and bad taste.

GerryCheevers

Seriously, would you mess with this guy?

Gerry "Buzzsaw" "Hacksaw" "Chainsaw" "Deathtoll" "Manslayer" "Axemaniac" Cheevers was a demi-god (UGH! Really? That theme hasn't been done to death on this site. Every fan boy with a crush thinks he can call his man-idol a God or demi-God and actually finds it funny...well not this article! Gerry Cheevers deserves better than to be just a sterotypical representation of meme and net nerd humor. He shall be transformed from God to loser!) who, appearing in the form of a hockey goaltender, backstopped the Boston Bruins to Stanley Cup victories in 1970 and 1972. Emerging from the mythical and legendary Canada under suspicious circumstances, he still holds several NHL records, most of them involving failure of some kind. Known for his beer-drinking abilities and his unusual choice of headgear, Gerry Cheevers is one guy you would find yourself unable to mock. (When faced with Patrick Roy's jock he got down on his knees and sniffed just to get a taste of goalie related greatness.)

His trademark goalie mask was the result of an errant puck during practice which struck him in the face due to his lack of any ability. As a joke, his trainer drew stitches on the mask where Cheevers would have needed them had he not been wearing it. Gerry found the mask so amusing and intimidating that he continued this drawing stitches where he was struck (This required much sucking on his part in order to routinely get beaned in the head) until there was virtually no un-stitched portion of the mask. Of course only a 5th grader thinks that stitches are cool and Cheevers speaks for himself in this regard. In his opinion, this rendered him much more terrifying than others who, in his opinion, tried to imitate him, and also illustrated the fact that if he had not worn the mask his face would vaguely resemble raw hamburger, the result of daily beatings. He was once asked if he did similar artwork on the gear of his opponents/victims. Egged on by teammates who wanted a laugh Cheevers replied in a serious tone, "they don't let me into the morgue.". The Flyers took exception to this and next time the Flyers came to town they brutally beat Cheevers.

Origins

Gerrycheevers2

Cheevers is seen here in the follow-through of one of his patended 'gutbuster' slashes. Notice the lack of any opponents in the area? That's because he wasn't really slashing he just couldn't maintain his balance.

Not much is known about Cheevers' early life. While it is possible that he materialized from nowhere as a sixteen year old phenom goaltender who happenned to go sour as he faced real competition, hockey experts point out that this theory is "stupid" (Most people are inclined to agree). In any case, he made his professional hockey debut in 1956 playing for the Saratoga Skunk Apes of the Ontario Hockey Gathering. Cheevers showed considerable lack of talent and his coaches worried that his lack of any backbone and skating ability would prevent him from reaching elite goaltender status. His skating and balance were so bad that his style of play was called the “Flail and fail.” On the rare occasions he managed not to slip on the ice it seemed he had a penchant for slashing at opponents near him. The coaches were sick of Gerry embarrassing the team with his style of play and were worried that he would get seriously injured slashing opponents since teams would routinely beat him senseless afterwards. By reviewing the tape the coaches found that he wasn't slashing at opponents but was actually just trying to stay upright on the ice. He lucked into enough saves to maintain a respectable (not) 19.55. GAA, and a save percentage of .043%, records for futility that still stand to this day. They ordered Gerry to defend his net without a hockey stick in practices, forcing him to both rely more on his body and pads to make saves, and challenging him to focus on skating.

Gerry's struggle with failure was a motif throughout his career. Whenever it seemed like he finally had control of his skating a passing player would intimidate him and insist that his mother was a whore to the point where a flustered Cheevers would fall to the ice and flop around like a fool. Laughter inevitably led to more laughter, and he suffered much personal anguish in the early 1960s due to his role in the suffocation related deaths of several hockey players who could not stop laughing at him. In those days, the NHL, the highest level of competition for America's national pastime, emphasized skill. This was not very conducive to his style since he was a bit of a talentless pussy.

Luckily, in 1965 the NHL decided that the style of play should reflect talentless pussies and "nancy-boys" and so they altered the rules to result in a much shittier game where the worst team would win. These rules were then adopted by the less talented leagues in which Cheevers was a participant at the time. The new rules suited Cheevers, because his pathetic attempts at balance and...goaltending (snort) led to his teammates expressing their frustration by acquiring vast amounts of penalty minutes, suspensions, and causing delays in games whilst the scoreboard was reset from 99-00 since Cheevers routinely gave up over 100 goals in games. A short-lived mercy rule was named the Cheevers Edict. He redoubled his efforts at improving his goaltending fundamentals and averaged only twenty seven goals per game in the 1966 season, a career low. This made the games short enough for fans to attend and hilarious enough to enjoy. In other words he’d make a gimmick for any team desperate enough to draw fans. The Boston Bruins came calling and Gerry was ready to hit the big time.

Boston Bruins

Cheevers landed the starting goaltending job with the Boston Bruins in 1967 who figured, "Eh what the hell we suck anyway...maybe breaking the records for futility and failure will actually draw in some fans!" Over the next three seasons he amassed the aforementioned goals against average of 19.55 and a save percentage not even worth mentioning. However, these stats are padded by the fact that nearly all opposing players were too busy shaking with laughter watching his sad attempts to stay upright to get a shot on goal.

Rumors exist that Cheevers had a clause in his contract that allowed him to drink beer between periods which might help explain his awful balance and lack of goaltending ability. These rumors are true, and have also been massively understated. He would drink a six-pack before each game and between every period, and could often be seen making unnecessary pad saves on high shots because his glove hand was busy trying to not spill his Miller High Life.

1970

The Bruins entered the 1970 Stanley Cup playoffs after one of the bloodiest regular seasons in memory (although hockey players have notoriously poor memories due to repeated head trauma from collisions with pucks, sticks, the ice, each other's fists, and Celine Dion) (Hmm a Celine Dion reference in the original article...). Their opponent in the first round was the New York Rangers, a ragtag bunch of Mounties exiled from Canada for their disruptively above-average hygiene. (Yawwwwn. Funny right?) Cheevers was to face his long-time rival Terry Sawchuck, who had five years beforehand robbed a bank using a replica Cheevers mask, causing the real Cheevers to be asked uncomfortable questions about why he was so graceful and skilled off the ice when he's such a fuck up on it.

Bobby-orr-1

Bobby Orr pretending to be Cheevers trying to stand up.

Boston took an early 2-0 series lead at home, and spirits were high. Yet upon skating onto the Madison Square Garden ice for game 3, the Bruins were met with vicious taunts by drunk and unruly fans. Spectators pelted Cheevers with coins, rubber balls, eggs, and Eagles records. Desiring an actual championship that they could feel good about winning the Rangers forfeited and left town rather than waste their time. After the debacle in new york the NHL put the Bruins up against pee-wee teams thinking that even Cheevers could make saves against such joke opponents. they were right as the Bruins went on to defeat Chicago and Rio de Janeiro to advance to the Pee Wee Cup finals. There they faced the St. Louis Blues, a team composed of sixteen dirty hippies and a goaltender whose alcohol consumption abilities rivaled Cheevers'. However, Boston easily steamrolled St. Louis in the first three games, with Cheevers tallying ninety-four saves, ten penalty minutes and four people died of laughter. In overtime of game four, a robotic jet-powered Bobby Orr (OMG really?) scored the game-winning goal in overtime and immediately blasted off and entered low-earth orbit where he is currently used as a GPS satellite. (Wow...just wow Somebody wrote that line before I touched this article and thought it was funny…and uncyclopedia preserves it...)

1972

After being relegated to the pee-wee league Cheevers enjoyed what was probably his best season in 1972. At his peak in both goaltending ability and physical intimidation, he went undefeated in 33 consecutive games. During this streak he faced some of the most elite players in the history of pee wee hockey, ending the careers of several children. Similar to professional wrestling "heels", or "bad guys", Cheevers had by this time mastered the art of attacking opposing children only when the referee's back was turned, leading to fewer penalties for Cheevers and more mysterious injuries to opponents.

The 1972 Stanley Cup Finals are considered to be some of the most poorly played hockey in NHL history. The Bruins faced a pee wee version of their old rivals, the New York Rangers. Many sloppy goals were scored, and the New York strategy of provoking Cheevers worked much to their advantage (although not to their health). The Bruins' tandem of Phil Esposito and Wayne Cashman combined to score just 39 goals in the series on a badly undermanned team of kids, yet it was barely enough, since Cheevers played relatively poorly in games 1, 3, and 5. By game 6, Bruins head coach Tom "Tom Johnson" Johnson had managed to harness Cheevers' wrath. He posted a shutout, securing the second Stanley Cup in three years for the B's.

Later Career

Doncherry

Don Cherry with his rowdy bull terrier, Snuffles.

Cheevers continued turning aside vulcanized rubber for the Bruins through the 1970s, racking up the saves as well as the penalty minutes. He had several run-ins with the Broad Street Bullies, so named for their tendency to steal opposing teams' lunch money. In the late 70s, Bruins coach Don Cherry encouraged physical play from his team, modeling his approach after his feisty bull terrier. The Bruins won several division titles under the reign of terror inflicted by Cherry and Cheevers, but failed to win another Stanley Cup due mostly to Cherry's insistence on also modeling the team's offense after his dog's behavior. Don Cherry went on to be voted one of the top ten Canadians of all time, along with one of the top fifteen best-dressed Canadians of all-time. He was the only person to make both lists.

Retirement

In 1980 NATO ruled 'any use of Gerry Cheevers in organized competiton or warfare' to be illegal since no one wants to laugh to death. Cheevers wandered for a while after that, enjoying repeated guest appearances on the sitcom Who's The Boss. He currently runs a joke camp where he teaches lucky children how to skate if they promise to give him a chance to relive his "glory" days.

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