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Airline proposes fee to use lavatory

Fake News that's honestly fake

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8 April 2010


This is where the new RyanAir proposal belongs.

DUBLIN, Ireland -- No-frills Irish airline RyanAir proposed new fees for fliers on Thursday, including a charge to use the toilet.

Passengers would pay one euro or one pound to activate a new, coin-operated toilet. American passengers, who typically have none of the odd foreign coins, would be told to "hold it."

Spokesman Stephen MacNamara said RyanAir executives selected this method to raise revenue from foreigners. The Irish themselves never over-imbibe and rarely need to relieve themselves. The executives rejected charging more for "number 2" than for "number 1" because of the awkward nature of using inspectors to thwart the obvious fee evaders.

News reports last year noted the number of pounds that could be shaved off the airliner's weight, assuming all bladders had been full and that all passengers could be induced to empty them just before boarding the plane. Obviously planning for such a perfect world, Mr. MacNamara continued that the airline also plans to remove all but one toilet from each plane. This suggests that the tourist with especially urgent needs might not only have to pay the toilet but pay off other passengers in line.

For flights bound to America, of course, government regulators will have a large say. In 1990, the Americans with Disabilities Act prohibited pay toilets in the United States. "The government cannot control the configuration of RyanAir aircraft," said LaTeesha "Butch" Jefferson, a spokesperson in the federal Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) who oversees accessibility issues, "but federal law does seem to require a smaller payment from women, on account of our smaller bladders."

The moves come as no surprise to travelers, as last July, RyanAir announced a "standing-room-only" ticket class; as well as special, low fares for passengers willing to have both legs amputated, just before boarding, to further reduce in-flight weight.

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Curiously, it is only women writing articles about having to spend a pound in order to "spend a penny."