UnNews:Aide Sent to Guantanamo Bay After Interrupting Bush's "Important Presidential Work"
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Aide Sent to Guantanamo Bay After Interrupting Bush's "Important Presidential Work"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 27, 2015, 12:12 (UTC)
6 October 2007
WASHINGTON. DC - Michael Gottenstein, a former aide to President George W. Bush, was recently shipped off to the infamous detention center in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, after having the misfortune of walking in on the President while he was deep in the middle of "top secret presidential work" - his daily "Cartoon Hour".
Gottenstein was expected to go far in the Administration, as he was known to be an exquisite brown-noser and sycophant. Unfortunately for the disappeared aide, he broke the Cardinal Rule of White House policy: "DO NOT interrupt the Cartoon Hour or it will be your ass!" (Quoted from the White House Manual on Proper Cronyism and Bootlicking)
Fox News Commentator and esteemed hack Sean Hannity wasted no time in praising the President's "brave decision" to send the unlucky staffer to Cuba, and insinuated that Gottenstein was "an idiot who deserves to be hanged as a traitor, lest other aides see weakness and begin walking in on our Great Leader anytime they please." A White House spokesperson in a mortician's outfit stood over Hannity's shoulder, nodding approvingly at each point made.
The President has been silent about Gottenstein's misstep, but internal sources say that this is because the Commander-in-Chief missed the best part of his Superman cartoons, where the Man of Steel cleans up the Middle East for democracy and Halliburton (the Pres. has his cartoons hand-drawn by Iraqi slave children to keep him "on mission"). As a result of missing this pivotal scene, Bush has been rendered ineffective and reportedly will throw daily tantrums until such time as Gottenstein has been "brutally punished" for his temerity.
Gottenstein's lawyer, Justin I. R. Bent, showed marked contempt for his client, saying, "I'm only representing this jerk because I have to. I love Superman, and the scene that my client interrupted sounded just absolutely bitchin'! Why do I have to work this stupid case, anyway? Those idiots at Guantanamo have no legal rights, so what am I supposed to be doing? Damn it, I wish I was watching cartoons right now!". There is doubt over Mr Bent's legal credentials, despite his assurance that he completed all 6 years of his law degree at WWW.Phony-Diplomas.Com Memorial College.
Gottenstein could not be reached for comment, and according to the US Government, "Michael Gottenstein does not, never has, and never will, exist, according to official protocols." The disgraced aide's family plans to appeal his arrest as soon as they can get government officials to admit his existence, which they understand will be an uphill battle, particularly after the arrest of their lawyer for drug possession.