Aftershock from Chinese earthquake knocks over American glass of water in "major tragedy"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 16:40 (UTC)
19 May 2008
CLEVELAND, OHIO -- Wallace Cornbag, owner of eight used car dealerships in upper-class Ohio, was sitting down for breakfast yesterday morning when he was unexpectedly struck by what many American news stations have deemed one of the worst natural disasters to strike the United States. His glass of water was knocked down after his home was struck by a mild aftershock from the recent Chinese earthquake.
"The room started to shake," says Wallace from the hospital bed (he was hospitalized for trauma), "I didn't really notice. But the gerbil was kind of alarmed. Then my glass of water tipped off the table. I was terrified. I cried for hours." When informed of the tragedy that had unfolded in their own backyards, many Cleveland residents were incredibly shocked. Over three thousand dollars of donations have gone to Mr. Cornbag after the "tragedy" of his destroyed glass of water. Many American churches have devoted hours of prayer to Mr. Cornbag after his terrible loss.
Wallace's destroyed glass of water has earned much attention from the American media, which has deemed it the Living Room Disaster of '08. President Bush is planning to give a speech on the tragedy, and it is rumoured that he will declare Mr. Wallace's living room a federal disaster area until all the bits of broken glass are cleaned and the floor is dried.
"God, we Americans have it tough," said Ohio resident Nubbs Burgleton in an interview on his reaction to the tragedy, "This reminds me of a similarly devastating event in my own life. I wanted to watch a football game, but the TV was on some news station that was rambling about a major crisis in Myanmar. I wanted to watch the game, not some boring story about a bunch of poor black people in some other country! But...I couldn't find the remote! I had to spend five minutes looking under the mattress for it! It was so inconvenient, a true tragedy. My heart goes out to Mr. Wallace and his lost glass of water."
The glass of water was knocked down by an aftershock from an earthquake in China that killed 62,664 people and injured 245,000 with countless more people missing. When asked about these people, Wallace said, "Ah, well, that's an awful shame, but look at my kitchen floor! That glass fuckin' EXPLODED! I know four thousand people died, but they're Chinese! They're all weird looking and they live far away! Besides, they're all Communists. The real tragedy here is my lost glass of water. It was good water. There weren't as many chemicals in it as there usually are."
This issue led us at UnNews to question just how distant the average American is from the outside world. We asked a prominent senator just that, and he said, "Wait a minute...there are PEOPLE outside America?"
It is rumoured that NATO will send over a fresh lemon slice.