|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
22 July 2008
KABUL -- The American military is celebrating today after what has been deemed a "major victory" in the nation's ongoing War against Global Terror. Mullah Rahim, who won "Terrorist of the Month" not once, not twice, but THREE consecutive times, surrendered to American forces yesterday and was executed.
"The Taliban's leadership has suffered a shattering blow," says a prominent analyst, "They will have to go through the tremendous inconvenience of finding another crazy Arab with a funny name to misquote the Qu'Ran. And we know how hard they are to come by. We have put the Taliban at LEAST five minutes behind schedule."
Apparently Rahim was unarmed at the time of surrender. He emerged from the small cave in which he was hiding and waved a white flag. He was then given some more ammunition by Americans and sent back into his cave.
Says the General in charge of the operation: "We couldn't just let him surrender. This is AMERICA we're talking about. If we accepted a surrender from an unarmed enemy, it would make us look weak. Limp-wristed. Girly. We had to make it a more rugged, manly surrender. So we gave him some guns and encouraged him to shoot at us before surrendering, to make the whole thing more dramatic."
Mullah apparently passed out, because he was 80 years old and suffering from dysentery. "This posed a real problem. We tried to wake him up and begged him to at least shoot ONE of us. A normal surrender isn't good enough...it has to be an EXCITING surrender. Then we got a brilliant idea. We just sent a few of our boys into the cave and had them shoot at us. Then we PRETENDED that there had been a battle. It worked well enough."
After an eight hour simulated battle, Mullah was brought to trial, where he was charged with treating human beings in an insensitive and cruel manner and also hygiene problems. As punishment for his insensitivity towards other human beings, his eyes were gouged out, he was bombed with 9,000 tons of missiles and explosives, and his body was disposed of with a mop.
Rahim was the first terrorist to be killed in America's ongoing war against terrorism. A Pentagon leader reportedly exclaimed, "Hooray! We got one! And it only took seven years!"