UnNews:African slaves of 200 years ago were actually happy
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African slaves of 200 years ago were actually happy
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 31, 2015, 21:56:UTC)(
12 March 2007
Nairobi, Africa – Contradictory to everything believed before, new documents show that the popular belief of the African slave trade being horrible is actually untrue. This new document discovered by Charles Umba-wumba-mumba tells the details of the African slave trade or Pentagonal Trade as it was often called. Among these details are several stories of people who were very happy with the slave trade because it allowed them to have a change of scenery. Instead of having large open desert plains the slaves had a cruise to America and then they were paid to work. Although they were paid very little and were practically starved the slaves thought of it as helping the Americans and the British. The document says the slaves did not consider themselves to be slaves, they preferred to be called Happy Helpers. With a nickname like this how could anybody think they were unhappy? In their name it says Happy, not unhappy.
This revelation caused several other scientists to examine the documents to make sure Mr. Umba-wumba-mumba was not being paid by the Slave-trading plantation owners of two centuries ago to say the slaves were happy but after several glances at the documents the scientists decided to agree with Mr. Umba-wumba-mumba so that they could get off work early and have a Pac-man tournament. After Mr. Umba-wumba-mumba heard that they had confirmed his beliefs he said this to an Uncyclopedia reporter “I am very appy wid da disision, no what a meen bruv?” It is still not clear exactly what he meant by this, I have to assume it was some sort of African language, it is possible he is from the African area of London (London was recently named as African instead of English because there are so many Africans living within London).
One of the documents told the story of an African father/husband. He says “When the English first came to take my family I was extremely worried that I would not get a good price for those bastards. My family cost me a lot of money and food so it was a relief when they were taken off my hands. The English even gave me my neighbour’s farm and animals as well as a gun to shoot stuff with. I was so happy, I was now rich and without those people who always leeched off me. I don’t need them now because I am so rich I can afford to be a pimp with ho’s and bitches. Gods praise the English.” This evidence is obviously enough to prove that the African Pentagonal Trade was an Excellent thing at that the slaves were happy.