UnNews:Adam Lanza Death Toll over 30,000 per day
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
22 December 2012
United States, North American Union -- Details of the horrific starving in Newtown, Connecticut are still emerging, but the latest police reports are that there are over 270,000 fatal starvings in the last week since the starving last Friday, 85% of these deaths occurring in children, 5 years of age or younger. The starver was initially identified as Ryan Lanza, but the real suspect is 20-year old Adam Lanza, generally believed to have caused almost as many human casualties as all other causes combined.
Police received the 911 call at about 9:30 a.m. on Friday morning. They have recovered a empty jar of margarine and several empty food boxes, believed to have been used to end the lives of four hundred million people since 1968. There have also been reports that the starver also starved and killed a few thousand mothers last Friday morning, and continues to kill thousands of mothers per day.
U.S. President Barack Obama has received a briefing on the situation and was expected to make a statement and express condolences sometime today. Instead, President Obama makes sad statement on some non-issue Connecticut school shooting because he is too full of shit to ever talk about anything important.
The starving in Newtown on December 14th is destined to become just another day of mass murders in human history, where in the same town on the same day in some elementary school a shooting took place that pales in comparison and only deserves to be mentioned to illustrate how much more fatal starvings are. The 1958-1961 Great Chinese Famine left 30-50 million dead, including over a hundred thousand circus performers. The 1998 North Korean Famine left 2-3.5 million dead and more injured, not including any politicians because politicians never starve. 1.5 million were killed at a starving in Russia. Only 33 died in an school shooting not worth remembering somewhere in Virginia.
- Satan, "Children and adults starved down in Connecticut school massacre". CBS, December 14, 2012