UnNews:Activist campaigns for cause of cancer cells
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Activist campaigns for cause of cancer cells
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 29, 2016, 19:52:UTC)(
21 October 2011
WILDWOOD, New Jersey -- Don Hamilton, a former biochemistry student and political activist shocked the entire medical community when he attacked them for "infringing upon the rights of cancerous cells."
Hamilton's statement, which obviously referred to the the tireless research against cancer that is being conducted, was followed by an elaborate speech on the rights of "cells who dared to be different".
"We keep talking about human rights and equality for all," said Hamilton, addressing a tiny group of people in his backyard that soon snowballed into a crowd big enough to fill up a minor-league baseball stadium. "But my time as a biochemistry student has shown me what a brutal regime our own cells-the very things that make us all-live in!"
Hamilton went on to explain how every cell in the body is actually a slave. "The only thing these cells do is facilitate biochemical pathways like glycolysis! Other than metabolizing our food and acting on whatever signals our tyrannical brain gives on its whim, these cells have no life! No life at all!"
"If such a life in itself wasn't bad enough, these cells are killed if they do even one thing wrong! Too tired to metabolize a glucose molecule? Die! Taking too long to process a signal the brain gave you? DIE!" he went on to say, "The lysosomes within the cell just....murder it, like it's nothing! And those cells that survive, that dare to fight this horrible system, are dubbed as the cause of cancer!" he bellowed.
"How can our doctors endorse such brutality, such tyranny, such repression?" he went on, "These so-called cancerous cells are fighting for their rights! Their right to have a life of their own! Their right to stand up those fucking neural signals that push them around so much! Have we learned nothing from all our struggles for freedom? From all the civil rights movements that took the world by storm? What's the point in being a liberal and inclusive society if we do something as horrifying as poisoning ourselves with chemicals, in order to destroy the freedom fighters that are inside of us! If our own cells cannot be free, how can we?"
Don Hamilton has called for a blanket ban on all anti-cancer research going on in the world. He has said that cancer patients "should be proud that they're inhabiting such eminent revolutionaries within them." "I would rather contract and die of cancer, than live with the degraded cytoplasm of my own cells on my hands. I'm proud to support our brave and valiant cancer cells. Are you?" he concluded.
Post his speech, he told our UnNews correspondent, "Our fight will not stop until everybody stops repressing the cells within them that dare to stand up to the system."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|