UnNews:Acme Corporation declares bankrupcy
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
17 October 2008
Wall Street, New York -- The CEO of Acme Corporation, Richard Hertz, announced today that due to the current state of the economy, they would be going out of business; however stockholders are refusing to pull out their funds, because “he's Jewish and he'll just figure something out eventually.”
Frequent customers are enraged at the current state of the economy, and are shocked that a company that owns a huge monopoly on the giant rubber bands industry would suddenly go out of business like this.
One of Acme's top customers, Elmer Fudd, was extremely disoriented at the announcement of bankruptcy. “I don't wike how this wascawy cowpowation is tweating us.”, he said. “I feew wike taking a fucking wife-sized wench and shoving it wight up Mr. Hewtz's wich ass! Why is it wight he gets tax cuts, whiwe I have to wowk my ass off just to kiww a fucking wabbit? That's it. I'm endowsing Bawack Obama!”
Their first customer, Buddy was equally as disappointed. “You know, if it wasn't for me, those douchebags at Acme wouldn't exist! I never get credit for appearing in those crappy cartoons!”, he said. “I mean I was desperate for money at the time, but that still doesn't eliminate my part in helping this corporation get on its feet. Those cartoons were pointless. I wasn't even allowed to fucking talk! I never did anything other than getting fired after working my ass off for two long, miserable years and being forgotten by those mainstream cartoon assholes, and I don't get why they couldn't have used a better soundtrack. I mean at the least, get some Creedence or Judas Priest or that one Celine Dion song from Titanic or something. But it was too hard for them. Wait, what were we talking about again? No, I don't want to buy meth!”
Wile E. Coyote, Acme's biggest shareholder, has refused to comment on the matter, due to the fact that it's “extremely personal”, and a “fucking bird” has been pissing him off lately. He says he's happy that he's no longer in the hospital after 473 trips in the past 40 years, due to the current state of the health care industry.
Acme Corporation is best known for being the manufacturer of everything and anything that's not made by Walmart. Some of their most famous products include instant breast implants, catapults made of dead puppies, real LOLCats, giant life-sized slingshots, OxyClean, uncatchable speedy birds, and larger instant breast implants.