UnNews:Achieving orbit via seismic activity: a new worldwide sport
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Achieving orbit via seismic activity: a new worldwide sport
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 3, 2016, 18:25:UTC)(
26 May 2008
When continents are leaping around, things can fly up. waaaay up. Some survivors report achieving highs unknown to them, witnessing their distant relatives, off in the distance, being thrown at supersonic speeds towards the cold void of space.
"The entire market was hurled up. I only traveled a modest 5KM into space, surrounding myself with protective chi energy to survive, only possible due to intensive ninja training. I finally landed in this press office." explained a ninja, settling himself comfortably behind my chair with a blade to my throat, "It is my sworn duty to kill you if you do not write this article."
Ninjas, known for their love of surfing, often populate areas known to have intense seismic activity. Local surfer dude, like, guy man, has this to say about flying into orbit due to standing on the edge of a major earthquake:
"Dude! I wasn't standing! You slay me! I wish I were standing, then the whole thing would have been, like, totally like, ok! Let me say I only did it once, and totally didn't catch it right. I was up in Alaska, right, on a cruise, right, but I got totally bummed out by the scene man so I jumped the rail with my board and swam over to the some wicked looking rocks right and after surfing a bit, like, these rocks were steep shit and the waves in between these islands were killer dude and so I caught this one like maybe 200 footer and it totally flipped me onto the rock man but wooooow man the ride, the ride man was so tunnel dude! So I'm there on the rock, right, clinging on and then the quake hit so I was not in the right form for outer space, ok? Dude, when I look back I think of how perfect that could have been. I could have had caught another breath, got my balance, right, and then, duuuuuude I could have been flying to Jupiter dude!"
People who continue to live along major seismic fault lines, for example, where continents are colliding with each other with intense, flaming passion, can now be regarded as sports-loving citizens with a futuristic outlook on being spontaneously ejected from the face of the earth by the thrusting upward motion of masses billions of times greater than Carl Sagan can imagine. Previously, we regarded them as "those stupid people who continue to live along major seismic fault lines". The new era begins now. Don your best spacesuit, pack a few sandwiches, and head to your best bet along the ring of fire.
Sorry about that. I ...had to.