UnNews:Accurate search launches
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Accurate search launches
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 5, 2015, 08:34:UTC)(
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
21 September 2006
A new search engine launched today with the ambitious aim of providing a 100% success rate to any search it is asked to perform.
"I can see this search engine becoming a standard in everyday life", said CEO Tom Fisherton today. "This new search capability has taken many months of hard toil and some blood, sweat and tears, but I'm glad to see it finally making its way in to the world".
The search engine is deemed to have a 100% success rating as it finds the exact article that you are looking for each and every time. To do this, a new algorithm has been created, said Fisherton.
"It's foolproof", Fisherton added to a gathering of news reporters. "You can't get it to fail. I guarantee it."
This claim caused suspicion to the extent that the developers were bribed to provide some detail on how it worked.
"It's all about creating the image of perfection" said one developer, who asked not to be named and, although we said we'd keep his anonimity, we've changed our minds. Thanks for the quote, Joe Handcock, lead developer of the project. "You can't mark something down as failing if your client fails to parse a response correctly, so our system simply drops the connection if it receives in a request that it can't deal with."
Tests were carried out this afternoon by our crack team of bored secretaries at the local council office. The engine reported 100% success for all entries that gave a response ('Brad Bitt' directing to the actor's latest film website) but all other attempts did not return a response, the browser simply returning an HTTP 500 error. The percentage of success was attributed to 0.000126%.
"Total success" Fisherton later stated. "I can't help it if your browser is unable to deal with the responses it gets." He then ran away, citing that he had "urgent business" to attend to.