UnNews:Absolutely Nothing Happens
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|This article is part of UnNews||Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard|
29 July 2008
WHEELING, West Virginia -- In a small American town, absolutely nothing occurred this previous Wednesday.
Residents reported a remarkable absence of anything even mildly interesting happening on this date or any other date. Our local correspondent interviewed locals for a close, inside look at this rare event. Gertie Simms, 83, was pleased to divulge her activities on this day. "I mostly stayed home," she said thoughtfully. "I was knitting a sweater. My, that sweater is taking quite a while! But don't worry, young man, it'll be done soon." When pressed for more information, Mrs. Simms also recalled, "My kitty was feeling particularly playful that day, and she just kept pouncing at the yarn! What a silly kitty she is!" Others reported similar activities, although the majority of those interviewed admitted to just taking a day off from their farming to spend inside.
The daily local newspaper, The Wheeling Times, was particularly frustrated by this entire lack of interesting events. "Usually, y'know, we can dig up some little bits of gossip on slow news days," said Mr. Joseph Johnstone, head editor. "Mrs. Figg is usually pleased as punch to tell us about all of her lady friends. Or at the very least, we can make announcements about upcoming events." Mr. Johnstone shook his head and sighed. "But absolutely nothing happened." The paper, without any proper stories to report, was forced to use their backup issue, which contains pictures of puppies and kittens.
"The worst part about all of this," said Mr. Johnstone, "is that people liked the backup issue better than the normal one." At press time, negotiations were occurring in the Times offices for switching to a permanent "all-animal format."